12/29/19, 1:08 am
Mike
Why can't oral surgeons be trusted?

Because they always want to shoot their patients up
with drugs and then pull something on them!

Allan
The tooth or the whole tooth?

12/30/19, 4:30 pm
Mike
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!!

12/30/19, 6:07 pm
Allan
 

12/31/19, 12:22 pm
Mike
Look at my new pillow case. I needed one so I
found this on sale online. I didn't know it was
so girly with frills around it. Oh well. I've made
worse mistakes in my life. Z


12/31/19, 2:51 pm
Allan


12/31/19, 3:48 pm
Mike forwarded a message
You'll like this one. Too funny.

12/31/19, 4:44 pm
Allan
When you don't post anything, even when you say I'll like it,
I can't figure out how to like it!

Mike
Just giving you a heads up that it's gonna be something you like.
I meant to send it but apparently I forgot.
Enter

Forwarded a message
Attachment Unavailable

12/31/19, 6:16 pm
Mike
Reply with a GIF

1/1/20, 12:04 am
Mike
I know you're with the giant crowd in Time Square!
You are such a party animal!!
 

1/1/20, 1:30 am
Allan
Haha, I'm under the bed, not in Time Square!

1/1/20, 1:59 am
Mike
I thought you would be celebrating with Elizabeth.

1/1/20, 2:32 am
Mike


Allan


Mike
I know the fireworks can be so frightening!

Allan


1/3/20, 1:30 am
Mike
Allan, Lisa Kazan asked me to check on you - she's worried.
I called you just now & left you a message. Here is the text
she sent me that I don't really understand:
Mike: My sister and I got big pictures of Allan w another name and
some of the texts to whoever say his name and some say the other.
Think Tom something not finding it now. We are worried. Can you
check on him? I text several hrs ago w no reply????

1/3/20, 1:47 am
Allan
Hi Mike. I have no idea what she's talking about. I think she's
referencing Tom Nobles, a very old friend of mine. He commented
on my "profile" picture, and she followed posting on his post,
with total nonsense. Please don't worry. Lisa is ill, and on pain
killers, and always in some sort of confusional state. I've been
trying to avoid her, she has messaged me all sorts of critical
comments for no reason I can understand. She's ill. And even
tormenting her poor sister Lorrie. Lisa hasn't texted me, I guess
she just thinks she has. She has very little understanding on Facebook.

Allan
I was in the bath when you called, I realize!

Mike
Should I text her to just tell her you're OK?

Allan
Hi, I guess so. I don't know what she's worried about . . .

Allan
I'm sorry she's troubled you . . .

Mike
I will simply say you are fine and not to worry.

Allan
OK. Thanks Mike

Mike
It's OK Allan.

Allan
Thanks.

1/4/20, 4:52 pm
Mike
What did the husband sing as he pushed his
wife, Lala, over the cliff on Christmas Day?
"Fall Lala Lala Lala Lala."

Mike
What did the husband sing as he hit his wife, Lala, with a tree
branch, then pushed her over the cliff on Christmas Day?
Deck my wife with bough of holly, fall Lala Lala Lala Lala."

Mike
See I made it way way better!

1/4/20, 5:26 pm
Allan
Good thing you never married!

Mike
And now we know why.

Mike
I'm feeling sorry for your friend, Lisa.
It seems like maybe the start of dementia.

1/4/20, 8:30 pm
Mike


1/4/20, 10:27 pm
Mike
Guess why I made him green. 
Cuz he's a Greengo senor. 
BA BOOM!

1/5/20, 11:31 pm
Mike
 
Why did the midget decline the circus side show's job offer?
Because he felt he would be selling himself short.

1/6/20, 1:47 am
Allan
LOL, one of your BEST!

1/6/20, 10:11 am
Mike
Thanks!

1/7/20, 12:42 am
Mike
I just finished episode 1 of Netflix's Dracula. It's really good.

1/7/20, 1:11 pm


1/7/20, 5:55 pm
Allan
I gather you are bullshitting me not.

Mike
If I'm lyin' I'm flyin'.


1/7/20, 7:59 pm
Mike
Check out my beautiful view of the Harbor from my balcony.
Pay no attention to the homeless encampments on the sidewalk.


1/7/20, 9:18 pm
Allan
Jesus. I guess you're not allowed to walk or erect a tent on the grass . . .

Mike
Actually I'm glad they aren't allowed to camp on the grass.
It would be ruined.

1/8/20, 12:01 am
Mike
You have to start Dracula on Netflix. It's too good.

Mike


Mike
Chuck took one of the photos I took tonight and he made it
move and I don't know how he did it but I'm going to find out.

1/8/20, 2:00 am
Allan
What kind of a dog questioned the decision to
give an award to the Gulf of Lion?
. . .
Why Mer honor?

1/8/20, 3:29 am
Allan
How did the film director explain his reasons
for casting Treymane and Demi?
. . .
"Because Moore is Moore and Les is Les."

Allan
Why did the man ask his masseuse to play
Toccata and Fugue in D minor on her record
player during his visit?
. . .
Because he wanted a Bach rub.

1/8/20, 10:15 am
Mike
That massage must have been a very long time
ago when there were record players.

Mike
Your riddles are hilarious. Thanks for the laughs Allan.

1/8/20, 7:02 pm
Mike
LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLE!


1/9/20, 2:27 pm
Mike
What did the man think when he found holes in his socks?
"I could mend my socks with staples, or sew I thought. Darn!"
 

1/10/20, 12:34 am
Mike


1/10/20, 3:26 pm
Mike
 

1/10/20, 4:53 pm
Allan
It is weird that alamy doesn't know how to spell "sock."


1/10/20, 5:24 pm
Mike
I don't get the "sock" joke. ????? 

1/10/20, 8:10 pm
Mike
I get it now. Chuck explained it. It was totally over my head.
I never heard of Alamy & didn't notice the text on the photo.

1/13/20, 5:24 pm
Mike
Why did the little clown get so thoughtful and
excited and when he heard music?

1/13/20, 5:51 pm
Mike


Mike
What is the most basic part of a human's personality
according to Freud? Id is what it is, and id is what id is.

1/13/20, 6:07 pm
Allan
No one knows except for me.

Allan
Because, you see, I'm that funny little clown.

1/13/20, 7:22 pm
Allan
Sometimes a cigar id just a cigar.

1/13/20, 7:40 pm
Mike
I have a bueno amigo But he's got a humongous ego.
Id not very super When he's in a stupor Wherever I go egos!

1/13/20, 11:24 pm
Allan
-1

1/14/20, 9:35 pm
Mike

Hi Allan. Do you know this artist? Phong Bui is an artist, writer,
independent curator, and Co-Founder and Artistic Director of
The Brooklyn Rail, a free monthly arts, culture, and politics journal.
See more...

Mike
They top half of your face looks like you, but the bottom half
looks like Chuck Norris.

1/14/20, 10:33 pm
Allan
This is how I described it when Phong put it online:
Allan McCollum April 3, 2017  The Brooklyn Rail forgot
to do a drawing of me, so they found some homeless drunk
guy who hadn't eaten in three weeks, and who was totally
depressed because he'd just been told that he was going to
die of cancer in about 6 days. But the interview itself is with me:"

Allan
I fiddled with it and tried to make it a little nicer:

Allan
OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SISSIES.

Mike

So hilarious. You made yourself less depressed.
The original reminds a little of Emmett Kelly
for some reason.

Allan
Yep. I felt the same thing A deeply depressed old clown.

Mike
Can you see what I mean about the bottom half of your face
looking like the bottom half of Chuck Norris's face?


Allan
NOT the funny little clown who's laughing as he walks by.

That's a much better me!

Mike
Yes. More rugged and confident. Here's one of his famous lines.
"If I want any shit from you I'll beat it out of ya."

Allan
This is the best:


Mike
I remember that really well.

Mike
It disturbed me a little.

Mike



Allan
I can't remember if I painted that BEFORE I went 
into the mental hospital or AFTER.

Mike
Is this accurate? You procrastinated until the day before the
science fair or maybe a little ways before and made a plaster 
cross-section of a plant I guess or a leaf. And was it part of 
a photo synthesis display? And you won 1st place I think.

Mike
I think you're painting was before. If you had painted 
it after you might have been sent right back to UCLA.

Allan
Yes! I won a prize for that! I was just thinking about 
it the other day. Mom and Dad threw it away when 
I left it on the garage shelf too long.

Allan
Haha, you think? HAHA

Allan
Atnleast I was honest about having psychological problems. 
Mom and Dad weren't !!

Mike
I remember the plaster piece was in the garage. 
I didn't know they they got rid of it.

Allan
I just found this: Congratulations, your domain is available!
mikemccollumband.com

Mike
Here's something dad said to me I've always resented having to do 
with garage. He had moved out, Mom had had the fire and all 
Dad's tools were still in the garage most of them completely smoke 
damaged but salvageable. Mom got tired of them being in the garage 
and she called me and asked me to come move them out which I did.
I put them all in boxes and I called dad and said mom has asked me 
to put these tools out so I want you to know so you can come over 
and get what you want. He came over and was really mad and said
to me, "Apparently you don't know the value of tools." And I didn't 
know what to say but I was thinking I know the value of tools, that's 
why I called you to come over and get them. I was only doing what 
Mom had asked me to do. I should have spoken up for myself but 
I don't think I did.

Mike
The band broke up way before domain names existed. 
I don't really have any use for that now which is too bad.

Allan
MIKEMCCOLLUM.COM
NOT AVAILABLE

Mike
I have that domain name. It's mine.

Allan
Neither is allanmccollum.com available

Mike
Do you own Allan McCollum.com?
McCollum Associates
mccollum.com

Allan
michaelmccollum.com is available!

Allan
No, I only own Allanmcvollum.net and Allanmccollum.org.

Allan
messed up the typing, butyouknow what mean

Mike
I know what you mean. I am surprised michaelmccollom.com
is available because there's a pretty well known science fiction writer 
named Michael McCollum. I think

michaelmccollom.com
michaelmccollom.com

Allan
Did I tell you now Bob Pierman, 
Sam Dodge, Mark Palmer and 
Todd Bingham hasve all died? 
All my best friends from youth?

Allan


Mike
I'm just starting a Netflix movie called Before I Wake. Have you seen it?

Allan
MO - LET ME KNOW IF IT'S ANY GOOD . . .I'M OFF TO BED . . .

Mike
I don't think you told me but I saw your post on Facebook. That's really 
too bad they were nice people I remember. Always very nice to me. 
I knew Bob and Todd better than the others but I do remember all of them.

Mike

Mike
Goodnight Allan. Sleep tight. I love you.

Allan
I love you too. Good night. . . sweet dreams

1/15/20, 11:34 am
Mike

Why was Mayor Pete chosen for the Miss America Competition panel? 
Because he was a Bootie Judge.

1/15/20, 1:09 pm
Allan
?Is this a real person

1/15/20, 1:45 pm
Mike
He's a Democratic contender for the nomination to run against 
Trump. He's Pete Buttigieg pronounced Bootajej


1/15/20, 2:36 pm
Allan
OH. I see. Haha

1/15/20, 3:22 pm
Mike

I'll bet you don't know who these guys are.

Allan
These are some paintings by Pablo Picasso, I think.

Mike
Close. Those three guys are named Allan McCollum.

Allan
OMG, you're right!! hahahahaha. I'm ee facebook friends with the third 
one who lives in Wales! hahahaha you are so funny!

Mike
Thanks!

1/16/20, 2:13 pm
Mike

Guess who?

1/16/20, 3:39 pm
Allan
Mike McCollum?

McCollum updated his profile picture.
Mike McCollum

Mike
I've seen that. That Mike McCollum needs a hug.

1/16/20, 4:10 pm
Allan
I didn't know Chuck competed with bitches for roles ... is he a transvestite?

Mike
Your misinterpreting it. Hes talking to the casting director.

Mike


Mike


1/16/20, 5:06 pm
Mike
Yesterday Gracie bit me in the leg and today Treat broke part 
of my printer. It's a conspiracy I tell you. Gracie to Treat: 
"I followed the plan yesterday and I bit him in the leg drawing 
blood. Good work today Treat when you broke his printer and 
then pretended you were just playing. Let's get together tonight
and plan even more dirty tricks to play on him. Well show
him who's boss around here!" 
Treat: "Hell yeah! Screw him, that big dumb son of a bitch!"

1/17/20, 12:40 am
Allan
Why did the groundhog decide to llive in modesty above ground? 
Because he'd lived in hole life in vain.

Mike


Mike
Good one. I thought he didn't have his home underground 
because he just didn't dig it.

1/17/20, 1:38 am
Allan
Oy. And it seems I typed "in" meaning to type "his." 
Or maybe it was otter correct.

1/17/20, 3:10 am
Allan
Why did the Shinola company refuse to hire the man from Warsaw? 
Because they wanted to shoo the Polish.

1/17/20, 10:43 am
Mike
Nice.

1/17/20, 1:37 pm
Allan
Why did the ambitious young man fill his mouth with
all the stuff he found inside a pumpkin? 
Because he wanted to suck seed.

1/17/20, 2:58 pm
Mike
 Missed audio call
2:58 PM


1/17/20, 3:43 pm
Mike
Good one! 

1/18/20, 5:06 pm
Mike

What do you call getting arrested for shoplifting? 
"Paying the price for not paying the price."

1/18/20, 6:43 pm
Mike

What do you call a cinnamon bun thief on a spree? 
Sticky Fingers on a roll.

1/19/20, 1:16 am
Mike
Have you ever watched a movie on Netflix called "Legend?" 
It's another one with Tom Hardy and he plays twin brothers. 
He is an amazing actor! And the movie is so good. 
That's my opinion anyway.


1/19/20, 12:58 pm
Mike
Me and Shael at Hunter Shaw's wedding at Maroon Bells, Colorado, 2019


1/25/20, 6:01 pm
Allan
Have you been watching "The Good Place"? Wow.

Allan
I'll check out "Legend."

Mike
I haven't heard of The Good Place. I'll take a look. 
Thank's Allan.

1/28/20, 6:07 pm
Mike
My cats found an alternative place to relax. Just in case.

Mike


1/28/20, 7:02 pm
Mike
I wrote a children's jump rope rhyme: 

Little Gracie CrossPaws laying on the floor. 
Crossing her paws right by the door. 
Little Gracie CrossPaws laying right there. 
Little Gracie CrossPaws doesn't have a care. 
Cross your paws Little Gracie! Cross them! 
Cross your paws Little Gracie! Cross them! 
Cross your paws Little Gracie! Cross them! 
Cross your paws! Cross your paws! 

Then repeat:

Mike
I haven't quite gone over the edge but I'm getting very close.

1/28/20, 7:25 pm
Allan
You're cats are obviously a couple of groupies!!

1/31/20, 3:26 pm
Mike


2/5/20, 1:59 pm
Mike


2/5/20, 8:34 pm
Mike
Hi Allan. These photos remind me a little of your work. The look like cement 
figures made with molds and stuck to small walls by the harbor. But, they're not



all different like you would do. There are 5 molds I think.

2/6/20, 12:45 am
Allan
Wow, Mike, these are beautiful? But with only 
5 molds, how are they all different? 
I wish I could see them in person!

Allan
Look what I found today: 

https://www.graduatez.com/view/heres-a-look-
into-the-careers-of-the-most-beautiful-weather-
girls/?src=gemini&utm_source=gemini&utm_
campaign=384299015&utm_medium=AOL_
PORTAL&utm_median=aol.com&utm_term=
GZ_D_US_heres-a-look-into-the-careers-of-the-
most-beautiful-weather-girls_ella_a_294680

Mike
Hi Allan. I said they are not all different. Only five different ocean-related 
shapes. So they're laid out in five, then another five, then another five, and 
so on. I'll look at the weather girls tomorrow. 
Now I'm going to bed. Love, =Mike

2/6/20, 12:50 pm
Mike
Have you ever thought something interesting about the name, Elizabeth Warren?
Enter

2/6/20, 2:46 pm
Mike
Why did the sleepy wife smack her husband in his cajones? 
Because he told her she should hit the sack.


2/6/20, 5:07 pm
Allan
Haha, yes the name Elizabeth Warren seemed 
interesting too me! Then there's Ann Whiting: 
"https://www.linkedin.com/in/ann-whiting-0b8a557?trk=
people-guest_people_search-card
www.linkedin.com
linkedin.com

Mike

https://www.facebook.com/DavidLloydLeisureKingston
uponHull/photos/a.1144294382252068/1250295091651996/
?type=3&is_lookaside=1"
Image: David Lloyd Clubs - Home | Facebook
google.com

Mike
Check out the David Lloyd clubs.

2/6/20, 5:55 pm
Allan
Hahahaha

Mike
Better still, get some information from MR. DAVID 
LLOYD FRANCIS director information. 
Free director information. Director id 911478765

2/6/20, 7:30 pm
Mike

What song does Scotty sing when he wants to 
teleport himself from the Enterprise? 
"I gotta beam me."

What did Captain Kirk say to Scotty after 
Scotty knocked the crap out of him? 
I said beam me up Scotty; 
not beat me up Goddam it!!

2/6/20, 8:17 pm
Allan
And then he walked into the women's rest room,
where no man had gone before.

Mike


2/7/20, 2:38 pm
Mike
These are the candidates that will debate tonight. 
I see something that seems really unfair. 
Do you see it and agree with me?

2/7/20, 4:52 pm
Mike
Thank God we are not quarantined on a cruise ship! 
People have to stay in their rooms for two weeks 
when the virus is discovered in someone. Then, when 
it's found in someone else, the two weeks starts all 
over. They're prisoners on the sea not knowing when 
they'll get off. It's like a plot for a horror movie!

2/7/20, 8:19 pm
Mike
Missed video chat
8:19 PM

2/7/20, 10:17 pm
Mike

I found another good Netflix series. I'm on Season 1, Episode 7. 
"Damnation." I'm really enjoying it.

2/7/20, 10:42 pm
Allan
Thanks! I'll take a look . . . still watching "The Good Place," 
with Elizabeth . . .

2/11/20, 12:21 pm
Mike

I've decided to join the presidential race!! 
A little late, but with your undying support 
and hard work, the presidency is ours!!

2/11/20, 2:48 pm
Allan
You just won my vote!

2/11/20, 3:39 pm
Mike
I never knew I was so presidential looking.

Mike
Be the first to own the "I LIKE MIK"" bumper stickers
and buttons. Be a winner for a mere $39.99 + tax for a lovely set.



2/11/20, 9:21 pm
Mike
Do I dare watch it? Of course I do!


Allan
Mike, I hereby grant you an award for your 
fake news skills.

Allan
How about my fake news skills? 

From the Vintage Comic Book Collection |
Histories of Romance |
Stories of Allan
artarchives.net

2/12/20, 11:13 am
Mike

Oh yeah? Well check this out!

2/12/20, 12:06 pm
Mike
How did you do the Stories of Allan? So funny!

Mike
I want to do the Stories of Mike

2/12/20, 12:35 pm
Mikex
Finally we have a strong third party: Retrumplicans!


2/12/20, 3:20 pm
Allan
ick . . .

Mike
I know. Right?

2/12/20, 6:15 pm
Allan
I did the Stories of Allan just stupidly working hours 
downloading comic book images and cutting and 
pasting together letters to spell "Allan," which often 
meant turning "Es" into "Ls", etc. Luckily "As" and 
"Ns" are all over the place. Not so lucky with "Ns". 
Plus erasing things, cleaning up things, all that stuff. 
I'm too stupid to use Photoshop, I just used "Preview" 
on my Mac! I've been working so hard on my 
upcoming art exhibitions I needed escape!

Mike
Wow!! You have a lot more patience than I do. Do you
have time to tell me what your new art exhibitions are going to be?

2/12/20, 8:19 pm
Allan
When I was in New York on vacation back in 1969, I 
had a nice exchange with Mick Jagger. I probably never 
mentioned this to you, but I thought you might like to know . . .


Mike

Was this your work?

Allan
. . . and this is a weird letter I got from the 
FBI back in 1967, they discovered been in an 
anti-Vietnam-War march...


Allan
. . . and this is a sad letter I got from the Museum 
of Modern Art back in 1956, when I was staying at 
Grammy's and Grampy's. I was depressed for years 
after receiving it...


Mike
Grammy and Grampy were already in Redondo then. Right? 
You're killin' me.

Allan
Hahaha...

Allan
I'm joking!!!

Mike
I don't know how you do it. You could be a high-paid 
computer researcher. As opposed to a ..... never mind.

Allan
Well, how did you do your "president" San Pedro 
newspaper arcticle?? Did Jerenu do it??

Allan
I thought I typed Jeremy.

Mike
I did it. But it was just a lucky stumble onto a page 
that lets you do free custom newspaper clips with 
your own newspaper name, headline and story. 
I'll send you the link if you want it.

Allan
OH! Hahaha! I'd love to see that page! I could stay 
up all night using it!!

Allan
But right now I'm going to bed! 

Mike
OK Allan. Sleep tight. I'll send you the link by email.

2/13/20, 2:49 pm
Mike
Allan, don't post your newspaper article on Facebook 
because some people might not think it's a joke, and then 
you're going to be getting hate messages.

2/13/20, 3:38 pm
Mike
20 minures away..I'm driving for DoorDash.

2/13/20, 4:41 pm
Mike
That last text was not supposed to be for you. 
It was supposed to be for Lina.

Mike
Do you think the gloves might have come off?: 
@realDonaldTrump
Mini Mike Bloomberg is a LOSER who has money 
but can't debate and has zero presence, you will see. 
He reminds me of a tiny version of Jeb "Low Energy" 
Bush, but Jeb has more political skill and has treated 
the Black community much better than Mini!
https://twitter.com/danscavino/status/1227923602135244801

Mike
@MikeBloomberg
@realDonaldTrump - we know many of the same people in NY. 
Behind your back they laugh at you & call you a carnival barking 
clown. They know you inherited a fortune & squandered it with 
stupid deals and incompetence.


Dan Scavino on Twitter
twitter.com

Allan
Oy. So, Trump can touch Bloomberg's pussy and Bloomberg 
can stop and frisk Trump.

2/13/20, 5:47 pm
Mike

I almost fell off my chair!!

No - Bloomberg can grab Trump's pussy while he 
stops and frisks him, then screw him up the ass! 
OMG you're a terrible influence on me.

2/13/20, 7:17 pm
Allan
Hahahaha

2/14/20, 9:05 am
Mike
What do you call it when a hick comedy team from the 
40's and 50's describes burnt marijuana? 
Why, that would be Ma and Pa Kettle calling the pot black.


2/14/20, 10:02 am
Mike
Here's an interesting question for you. I know jet lag affects 
you when you return from overseas. It affects Lina. Incredibly 
like she needs three four or five days to recover. Why don't 
we ever hear about presidents having jet lag when they've 
returned from other countries. I've never heard "The president 
needs to take a couple of days off to recover from jet-lag." 
Have you?

2/15/20, 10:06 am
Mike
It's a new world of political vulgarity. Keeping up with the 
times, here's some nicknames an chants Trump could use: 
Klobitchwhore. "The bitch must go!" "The bitch must go!" 
Little Boodiejudge. "Back to the closet!" "Back to the closet!" 
Elizabeth Warpaint. "Woo woo woo woo" "Woo woo woo woo" 
Bye bye Biden. "Bye bye Dumbass!" "Bye bye Dumbass!" 
Bernie Sandman. "Put the geezer to bed!" "Put the geezer 
to bed!" Michael Blooming Idiot. "Little little Michael!" 
"Little little Michael!" Steyer the Liar. 
"Full of shit!"
"Full of shit!"

2/15/20, 2:17 pm
Mike
Hi Jeremy. I'm analyzing a civil trial for pay!! I signed 
up for doing this probably at least 6 years ago & finally 
got a case to listen to and then act like a juror. It's done 
by law firms to test their case before it actually goes to trial.
It's like a mock trial but by internet. This one is a wrongful 
termination claim. Very interesting so far.

Mike
I meant Allan.

2/16/20, 9:53 am
Mike

The life span of a Thankgiving turkey. Out of the cradle 
and into the gravy.

2/17/20, 12:05 am
Allan
You're killing me.
How do you come up with this stuffing?

Mike
My fans gobble up my jokes.

2/17/20, 12:54 am
Allan


2/17/20, 8:27 am
Mike

After allowing the drug addict in, why did 
the homeowner not want to confide in him?
Because he let him in on something.

2/18/20, 3:14 pm
Mike
What did the goat rancher say after all 
the babygoats were born? With all kidding
 aside, let's get back to milkin' those nannies.


2/18/20, 4:31 pm
Allan
I refuse to say bah.

Mike
Why so sheepish?

Mike
Are you one of those bleating-heart liberals?

Mike

Why do conservate sheep hate goats? 
They're all just a bunch of bleating-heart liberals.

2/19/20, 8:31 am
Mike

What's the risk of opening a Delmonico's 
restaurant in a poor neighborhood?
The steaks are high!

2/19/20, 1:51 pm
Mike

Allan, I don't remember if you have an Apple or 
Microsoft but I have an Apple Macbook and this 
screenshot application is so great for doing the kinds 
of things I do like to like those cartoons. So much 
faster & eadier for me now.

That's the application icon. It just seems to be 
called "Screenshot."

Mike
I just discovered its a Mac operating system application. 
So if you don't have a Mac it probably won't work for you.

2/21/20, 9:02 am
Mike

How was it confirmed that water was necessary 
for the water-park slide to work? 
It was given a dry run.

2/21/20, 12:46 pm
Allan
hahaha

2/22/20, 12:49 pm
Mike
 Missed audio call
12:49 PM

2/22/20, 7:34 pm
Mike
You'll thank me for these current event insults: 
"Settle down. Have a Corona ......virus! 
Why don't you quarantine yourself indefinitely? 
Why don't you take a long vacation to Wuhan, China? 
Why don't you take the next sea cruise out of Japan. 
Why don't you quarantine your head up your ass 
so your stupidity won't spread.

Mike
You're welcome.

2/23/20, 10:06 am
Mike
My very first one ever.


2/23/20, 10:48 am
Allan
Where are you going??
Enter

Mike
I have no specific plans yet but when I want to plan a trip, 
I can now. Even if I just want to go up to Vancouver or 
anywhere in Canada or Europe. Or anywhere else.
Enter

Allan
I'm at the airport, leaving for Florida in a few minutes

Allan
So, making bucket plans!

Mike
Wow!! We can communicate with Facebook messanger. 
Will the AirB&B or the museum have WIFI?

Allan
Elizabeth asked me to send you this:

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=
https://arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.
amazonaws.com/public/RTUD2CLQTVECJJBN
UXBIH3RFYM.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.
washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/08/27/why-
this-man-has-become-internationally-beloved-
his-dad-jokes-billboard/&docid=129O-l2DzL
sJrM&tbnid=0iE9Uus3mWKcJM:&vet=1&w
=2048&h=1536&itg=1
&source=sh/x/im
Image:

Vince Rozmiarek is internationally
beloved for his billboard puns ...
google.com

Mike
Yes. Bucket plans.

Allan
Yes, supposedly . . .

Yikes, I have to get off the computer! Keep me informed!

Mike
Why did the old guy not mend his pail? 
Because it wasn't on his bucket list.

Allan
Oy

Mike


Allan
Talk soon!


Mike
But, it was on his "Fuckit List."

Allan
Oy2

Mike
Talk in a month.

Allan
Bye! Gotta go!

Mike
Bye Allan i love you.

2/23/20, 9:00 pm
Mike
Are you save & sound in Miami? By the way, what do 
you call a trustee who dishonestly overcharges the trust?
A Fee-Douche-Eeairy.


2/24/20, 11:25 am
Mike
The reason Trump is obsessed with the deep state is 
because he's in such a shallow state. 
BAM! They just keep on comin'.

2/24/20, 12:12 pm
Allan
haha - and yes, I'm safe & sound in Miami.
I don't really like it here!

Mike
I was only there once for one week but it was 
in the summer and it was absolutely miserable
because of the humidity.

2/24/20, 11:22 pm
Mike


2/25/20, 12:31 am
Mike


2/25/20, 12:50 am
Mike

I think this must be the woman to which Steve King was referring. 
Please exclude Elizabeth from this line of humor.
She doesn't have to see everything.

2/25/20, 11:36 am
Mike
Why do fat people appreciate and enjoy all aspects of life. 
Because they're very well-rounded.


2/25/20, 12:27 pm
Mike
What's it called when you're checking out two
twenty-year olds after they pass you on the beach. 
Hind sight is plenty plenty!


2/25/20, 5:44 pm
Mike
I'm sorry everybody but from now on you're going to have to 
subscribe to my riddles and jokes. Nobody has a problem 
paying to get into a comedy club, so why should I give my
 talents away for free? Pay up you cheapskates!

2/25/20, 9:31 pm
Allan
Here you go: 

https://dtkp6g0samjql.cloudfront.net/uploads/photo/
file/14458963/gallery_hero_f099c61d-5ced-49f8-974
a-45155bb3cbb8.jpg
dtkp6g0samjql.cloudfront.net
dtkp6g0samjql.cloudfront.net

2/26/20, 1:26 pm
Mike
Don't even!!

Mike
Hi Allan. The picture of Trump on the money reminds 
me of one of the funniest Saturday night live routines
I've ever seen. You will see why it reminds me when
you watch it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiUvAWZr-5U
Kate Middleton Meets the Real Royal Family - SNL
youtube.com

2/26/20, 1:52 pm
Mike
Alan this routine with Martin Short is even funnier and 
I promise not to send you any more today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLoRJFAN3r0
Royal Family Doctor - SNL
youtube.com

Mike

Why did the detective feed marijuana to the 
sleek flying seabirds? 
He wanted to leave no tern unstoned.

2/26/20, 7:49 pm
Mike
What's wrong with this statement. 
"I was trying to find something that I lost today, 
and I literally left no stone unturned. I know you'll 
know the answer but have you noticed that young 
people misuse that word these days.

Allan
I literally understand.
I was so mad today I literally hit the ceiling!

Mike
[undownloadable recording}
Allan, why can't kids be like we were?
Perfect in every way?

Mike
Noisy crazy sloppy lazy loafers!!

2/26/20, 8:47 pm
Mike

If you haven't joined, why can't you buy 
condoms from the "Condoms R Us Club?" 
Because condums are for members only.

2/27/20, 11:31 am
Allan
OYYYYY - definitely to send to Elizabeth!!!

Mike
I piggy-backed off your "member" joke 
you posted on Facebook.

2/27/20, 6:55 pm
Allan
If you ever lose your member, be sure
to ask someone to "Remember Me."

2/27/20, 7:13 pm
Mike
But not just ask somone. I would prefer a surgeon.

2/27/20, 10:44 pm
Mike
Wow! I'm watching Amazon's "Hunters" and I was
surprised to see that Hillary Clinton has a small part.


2/28/20, 1:29 am
Allan
I was the one who helped her get that role . . .


2/28/20, 10:07 am
Mike
Wow! You kept that a secret! Just one more 
secret server who served her well.

2/28/20, 10:03 pm
Mike
Hi Allan. Are you serious that 
you're not so picky about your work and 
mistakes your assistants might make? 
Like the time someone discovered there 
was more than one of your individual 
works on display. And you told me you 
were furious. I haven't wanted to tell you
for years about a mistake someone made 
with the large wooden shape you gave 
me as a gift. It's been bugging me ever 
since whether or not to tell you. I'm 
tired of thinking and worrying about it. 
I'll tell you what it is if you want to know. 
Or should I just wait until you die and
then it's gonna be worth millions to a 
collector like a stamp or currency with 
a flaw of some kind.

2/28/20, 11:01 pm
Allan
Uh oh.

3/1/20, 6:14 pm
Mike
When February ended, the the farmer exclaimed 
"Yay, March!" The rooster said, "Don't mind if
I doo, cock-a-doodle."

Mike

Polish Guitar Stand.

3/2/20, 8:24 pm
Allan
I'm sorry, I don 't have the time (or the energy) 
to polish your guitar stand. Don't tell me what to do!,

3/2/20, 8:50 pm
Mike
Are you funny or what. But nobody gets the joke. 
The 1st joke I made up that has fallen completely 
flat. It is not one guitar stand, it is two guitar 
stands for two guitars next to each other. And 
the dumb Pollocks are so dumb they put one
guitar on the inside legs of two stands. Get it?

3/3/20, 2:06 am
Allan
Huh? You mean Jackson Pollock?

Allan
I guess I'm too dumb to know what a guitar stand is. 
But I see what you mean. But aren't you the one who did it?


3/3/20, 9:55 am
Mike
My joke flopped with everybody. EVERYBODY! 
I better go back to keep it simple stupid.

3/3/20, 5:15 pm
Mike
Allan, I learned from that joke about the guitar stand 
that sometimes people don't really read the joke closely 
because I got some responses like "beautiful guitar Mike."
Some thought I was just sending a photo to show them 
my red guitar. And that's funnier than my joke.

3/4/20, 12:29 am
Mike

I saw this girl when I was picking up a 
delivery from Carl's Jr. I just had to take 
a surreptitious picture. I like  to call 
this hairstyle, the "Shaggy Poodle."

3/4/20, 12:44 am
Allan
haha. Did you say, "sit"?

3/10/20, 11:48 am
Mike
[recording]

3/10/20, 9:38 pm
Allan
Wow! How did you do this recording? Thanks Mike
Love you.

3/11/20, 11:05 am
Mike
Hi Allan. There are symbols at the bottom of the 
Messenger screen when I am writing an message. 
There are 4 symbols. I clicked on the plus sign in
a circle. Then a picture of a microphone came up
(along with other symbols). I clicked on the 
microphone, and that's how I recorded the 
message to you.

3/11/20, 6:21 pm
Mike

What happens if your cell phone crashes 
when your at a beautiful resort on the 
southern tip of Baja California?
You're excommunicabo.

3/11/20, 6:46 pm
Mike
The answer should have been incommunicabo.
Now I look like a complete fool.

3/11/20, 7:11 pm
Allan
Don't you mean incommunibaja?

Allan
"I clicked on the microphone, and that's 
how I recorded the message to you." ...
but then how do you "send" it??

Mike
It seems like something came up that I saw that 
show that I had recorded it and then I just sent it 
like I would a text. So if you're not seeing that
maybe you didn't really record anything but you 
thought you did.

Allan
Story of my life.

[another recording]

Mike
So do you mean in your life you have 
thought you have done things but in reality 
you have done nothing.

Allan
Yes.

Mike
That reminds me of that old joke you can 
never be a total failure in your life. You can
always serve as a bad example.

Allan
lol

Allan
Thank you!

Mike
You're welcome

Allan
haha

Allan
[Recording 0:10]

Allan
[Recording 0:11]

Allan
[Recording 0:08]

Allan
What's all the buzzing????"?"? shit.

Allan
Oh well, I just need to get a cell phone.

Mike
Hi got all the buzzing on my end too. 
I don't have any idea why it's doing that.

Allan
Sigh. You recordings are PERFECT!

Mike
Have you checked your microphone 
settings on your laptop?

Allan
Hmmm. OK, I'll try that tomorrow!

3/11/20, 11:05 pm
Mike forwarded a video 
https://www.facebook.com/messenger_media/?
thread_id=782299467&attachment_id=202277147692322
&message_id=mid.%24cAAAAAAhjheN2_fm3bVwzLRtVz5sF

3/18/20, 3:41 pm
Mike
Allan, how did all the art you are displaying 
get picked up and taken to Miami?

3/18/20, 9:38 pm
Allan
Oh boy, complicated! , many trucks, picking up 
from my "warehouse" my "studio" in Brooklyn, 
a storage place I rent in New Jersey, the gallery I 
work with in New York, a gallery I work with in 
Germany. I think in the end it was two big vans 
driving to Miami. Plus crated works arriving by 
plane rom private collectors. I haven't made any
money in like 8 months, but the museum in 
Miami paid for everything, including my assistant's 
an my airfares. THEN, th museums closes due to 
the virus! And so I'm headed back home on Friday, 
not even able to watch over the final installations, 
as the staff is leaving also. Everything is delayed, 
who knows for how long. And at the same time, 
a huge amount of money has disappeared from 
my retirement savings, which were in stock 
investments. So, I'm not very happy. I wonder
if you can see these photos that my assistant 
Marcie Paper has been putting on Instagram? 

Allan McCollum - @marciepaper
instagram.com

3/18/20, 10:59 pm
Mike
Oh no. I hadn't thought about how the virus 
affect your show. Allan, I'm so sorry. 
Will your art stay at the museum? Maybe until 
its safe for people to see it? Everything is so
unsettled right now. Nobody really knows how 
it will end. I'll call you after you're back
home this weekend. Love, Mike

3/20/20, 11:38 am
Mike
Are you still in Miami?

3/21/20, 12:27 pm
Allan
Nope.I'm home under the bed.

3/24/20, 3:38 pm
Allan
How does one describe the arguments between 
a male and female cat when they both start 
losing their winter hair undercoats in the 
Spring? He shed, She shed.

Mike McCollum sent you an invite to join Messenger.
Mike McCollum invited you to Messenger.

Mike
Sorry Allan, the punchline is mine from
last year. What is it called when a male 
and female snake slough off their skin
together? 
It's one of those he shed she shed situations.

3/24/20, 4:59 pm
Allan
Haha, I guess I forgot!!

Mike
You're forgiven.

3/25/20, 7:15 pm
Mike
Allan, are you able to stay home? Did you s
tock up on food so you don't need to lesvr?

3/25/20, 10:35 pm
Allan
Hi Mike
- I'm staying home, yep. There's a little market like 
a short block away, and I've gone out twice for food there . . . 
I'm Ok . . . It's hard to understand the silly rules you 
read in the newspaper that people over 70 have to say 
locked up. But of course we need to go out and buy f
ood! It's not like they'll arrest us or make us starve to 
death! One 70+ fellow I know in L.A. told me that 
he can go to Von's at 9am, when they ONLY let 
people in who are over 70! Are you OK out there?

3/25/20, 10:55 pm
Mike
Yes. Last week.I bought enough food to last a month. 
I haven't heard about a rule about people over 70 
being let in stores earlier than others can. I'm 
trying to watch just a little news in the mornings 
and I try not to watch any more.

3/29/20, 12:06 pm
Mike
Hi Allan. Are you staying safe? I'm staying in mostly.
 I've taken a few walks and bought groceries twice. 
Chuck told me you have a show in L.A. scheduled. 
I don't remember if you told me that. Are you? 
Be safe Allan. Love, Mike


3/29/20, 1:21 pm
Allan
Hi, yes, it WAS scheduled for April - but cancelled. 
Or, rather, supposedly, delayed, until July. I'm doing 
my best to be safe, staying alone 24 hours a day 
(for over a week now). I hope you are too. Isolated. 
Depression keeping me tormented, of course. I've also 
been out for groceries twice - I wish I had a big 
refrigerator. All I have is one of those little tiny 
ones. I have rubber gloves and a mask. 
What a terrible time.
Please stay safe.

3/29/20, 2:26 pm
Mike
Thanks Allan. We will be fine. No problem.

3/30/20, 1:39 pm
Mike

[recording]

[recording]

4/2/20, 11:34 am
Allan
Uh oh.

Cats can infect each other with 
coronavirus, Chinese study finds

4/2/20, 11:27 am
Mike
Thanks Allan. Are you feeling good?

4/4/20, 1:58 pm
Allan
Physically, yes.

4/4/20, 10:05 pm
Mike


4/4/20, 11:29 pm
Allan
I know, I saw this, hahahaha

4/11/20, 3:34 pm
Mike

Why did producers like to hire Ed and Keenan to work together? 
It was always a Wynn Wynn situation.

4/11/20, 7:45 pm
Allan
When Johnny and Jim opened their store, 
what did they name it?

4/11/20, 8:04 pm
Mike
Carson's
Mike
I'm not sure who Jim Carson is but I'm sure
there is one.

4/11/20, 9:35 pm
Allan
They named it Cash and Carrey.

Allan
Why did the old fashioned director cast Jack 
and Betty into his film?

Mike
Excellent riddle. Thanks.

Mike


Allan
Because he wanted to make a Black and White movie.
Allan
Here's an easy one, and then I'm going to bed.
Allan
What did Rob and Winona call their car after they'd 
shortened the springs?

4/11/20, 10:17 pm
Mike
Lowe Ryder YAY I got it!

Allan


4/11/20, 11:15 pm
Allan
Why did the high school football coach choose to 
have both Christopher and Gene on the same team?

4/11/20, 11:43 pm
Mike
Because Christopher was Wilde and Gene was Wilder.

Mike
Aren't you supposed to be in bed?

Allan
Good guess! But the real reason was that he 
liked Walken on the Wilder side.

Allan
Yes, I'm in bed, and about to close down my lap top. 
Are you OK out there?

Mike
What does your answer have to do with being on 
a football team? It was a misleading quetion. 
I'm good.

Allan.
its time for Netflix. Sleep tight. Love, Mike

Allan
Love back. G'night.

Allan
Because two teams take sides!

Mike
What does your riddle answer have in common 
with warming up before exercising? 
They're both a stretch. BAM!!

4/12/20, 1:42 pm
Allan


4/13/20, 12:04 am
Mike

Happy Easter Allan.

4/13/20, 12:21 am
Allan
Thank you Mike

Allan 
OK, why did the geologist hire Sharon and Chris
to appear in his scientific documentary film?

Mike
Because it was about Stone and Rock.

Allan
No, that was why he smoked dope and listened
to Elvis.
I'm going to bed! Haha.

Mike
Good one Allan. Nitey.Nite

Allan


4/13/20, 11:47 am
Mike

What does an old.lady & the corona 
virus outbreak have in common? 
Flattening of the curves.

4/13/20, 1:04 pm
Allan
Enter add  something?

4/15/20, 11:49 am
Mike
forwarded a link

I'll just leave this here. 
(From TikTok - @makeshift.macaroni)
Edward

4/16/20, 4:45 pm
Mike
Hi Allan. Are you still feeling good?

4/16/20, 9:40 pm
Allan
Not "good" exactly, haha, but OK health-wise 
... and that's a great song ...

4/17/20, 10:24 pm
Mike
Look at the difference in NYC & LA County Covid-19 deaths: 
Approximate Corona Virus Numbers: Numbers of approximately 
4/16 - 17/2020 NYC Population: 8.77 million Deaths: 12,000+ 
L.A. County Population: 10.20 million Deaths: 495

Allan
Wow.

Mike
Hard to believe but I double checked.

4/20/20, 3:37 pm
Mike
Here's a Covid-19 stat: As of noon yesterday, there were 
12,341 reported in Los Angeles County. And, there were 
600 deaths. That means 4.86% of people with the virus 
died of it. But, that percentage doesn't account for people 
who have the virus, but haven't died yet, or those who have 
it, but it's not reported yet. But, approx. 5% deaths is bad, 
but could be a lot worse.

4/21/20, 5:45 pm
Allan


4/22/20, 11:52 am
Mike

Why did the skinny hooker's extra business endeavors fail? 
She had spread herseif too thin.

4/23/20, 6:09 pm
Mike
After falling on the field, what did the Hispanic soccer 
say to his teammate helping him up? 
"Muchas grassy ass."


4/23/20, 7:02 pm
Allan
OMG.

4/23/20, 7:17 pm
Mike
Is that OMG that was good, or OMG that was stupid?

4/23/20, 9:10 pm
Allan
Oh, Mike, Goofy!

4/23/20, 10:09 pm
Mike


4/24/20, 9:12 pm
Mike
Allan, I just looked at your art for the L.A. postponed show. 
So fun! I cant wait to see it. You are something else. Did 
you watch all those movies to find Dad? I may or may not 
have told you this. I was visiting Mom in West Hollywood 
and there was a picture of Dad on her shelf and she asked 
me who it was. And I said that's my dad and that was your
husband. And she said "He was a handsome man." 
Of course I said, "Yes he was."

4/24/20, 9:44 pm
Mike
My across-the-street neighbors. 
Does NYC allow this on sidewalks?


4/25/20, 12:18 pm
Allan
I haven't seen anything like this in NYC - but I 
haven't taken a walk outside for over a month!

5/1/20, 10:25 am
Mike

Take a look. Here's a guy talking about aliens from 
outer space with some of your artwork on his wall. 
Oh my goodness!

5/1/20, 11:40 am
Mike

Better: What do you call an indecent, 
arrogantly superior and disdainful sexy 
woman? A naughty haughty hottie!

5/1/20, 12:14 pm
Allan
Her name is Dotty, and I met her in the Potty!

Mike
Do you always have to take it to the gutter?

5/1/20, 1:48 pm
Mike


5/1/20, 3:38 pm
Allan
Gutter doesn't rhyme with hottie.

Mike
But it does rhyme with butter and if you're 
trying to butter me up, it's not working.

5/1/20, 4:56 pm
Allan
You're toast.

Mike
That's a stale one.

5/1/20, 5:56 pm
Allan
But I'm a Wonder.

5/1/20, 6:25 pm
Allan
Bibiana defends me.

bibiana padilla maltos added a new photo 
-- at Walt Disney Concert Hall.

bibiana padilla maltos

Mike
Prove it.

Allan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKcnqnGa6hw

Mike
I can't tell what they're doing. Are they 
playing concentration with slices of bread?

Allan
You need to calm down, maybe have a meal.
Walk over to the beach and eat the sand which is there.

Mike
Wow you are making me feel young.
I heard that joke when I was five.

Allan
Hahaha

Mike
There is a line from a really good movie called Midnight Run 
where somebody tell somebody else to calm down and go make 
himself a fuckin' sandwich. Did you get that from that movie?
Enter

Allan
haha, no - I think I heard it when I was nine years old. 
And then I told it to you.

Mike
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1_N28DA3gY&feature=share
Midnight Run (1988) - Theatrical Trailer (Long Version)
youtube.com


Allan
Wow. Car Chases and Violence!
My guess is that it's an American movie!

Mike
The preview doesn't make it look so great but it's actually 
a really good and funny movie with great characters.

Allan
I'll watch it someday.

Allan
Did you see that I made it into the New Yorker?

An My Le | The New Yorker

Allan
OH! I disappeared. Never mind!

Mike
Ok. I couldn't find you.

Allan
Maybe here? 
Allan Mc Collum | The New Yorker
newyorker.com

Allan
Oops, phone's ringing.

Mike
YAY! Very nice article about you. It's great that he mentioned 
your show that will be in Miami hopefully someday soon.

Mike
If my talk-to-text tells you I'm going to see 
the Palace Birdies, where am I going?

5/1/20, 11:38 pm
Allan
Green sticks?

5/2/20, 9:08 am
Mike
You got it.

5/2/20, 1:44 pm
Mike
I can't use my printer this morning. 
I guess I'll have to take the day off.


5/2/20, 2:16 pm
Allan


5/2/20, 11:53 pm
Mike

Take a guess who this is. Hint: Actress

5/3/20, 12:54 am
Allan
Margaret Hamilton?

5/3/20, 11:35 am
Mike
YES!!! You are good!

Mike

When the angry, uncaring father died why 
didn't his adult children attend his funeral? 
Because it was nothing to ride home about. 
I'm getting an early start.

5/3/20, 12:34 pm
Mike


Allan


Mike


5/3/20, 4:41 pm
Mike

I don't think a fat child named Little Lotta 
carrying a submarine sandwich for lunch to 
school would be politically correct these days.

She's not Little Lotta. She's A Whole Lotta!

5/3/20, 5:22 pm
Allan
It's rude to call a girl a "hole."

Mike
What did I tell you recently about taking everything to
the gutter? What part of stop taking it to the gutter 
don't you understand?

Nasty Old Dude!

5/3/20, 6:16 pm
Mike replied to themself
What did I tell you recently about taking everything to the gutter? Wha...
0000000000000000000000000000000000
Mike

0000000000000000000000000000000000

5/3/20, 6:54 pm
Allan
Lots of holes there . . .

5/3/20, 7:22 pm
Mike
Yur askin fur uh hole lotta truble!

5/3/20, 11:30 pm
Mike
After just watching a CNN pandemic special, I need 
to see something more positive like Netflix's Ripper 
Street about Jack the Ripper terrorizing and mutilating 
and murdering prostitutes. Know what I'm sayin'?

5/4/20, 4:16 pm
Allan
Oy. Yep.

Mike
Here's my 2020 version of "Wake up Little Suzie."
Wake up Little Susie. Wake up. 
Wake up Little Susie. Wake up. 
The movie was kinda stale. 
But you're a great piece of tail.
In the back we shot some crack,
And now we're goin' to jail.

We told your parents that we'd be in by ten.
They can both suck wind and go screw off again.
Wake up Little Susie. Wake up Little Susie.
We're goin' to jail.

We're not gonna tell your mama. 
We're not gonna tell your pa. 
We're not gonna tell our friends. 
And they can all fuck off. 
Wake up Little Susie. 
Wake Up Little Susie 
We're goin' to jail.
Enter

Allan
Do you always have to take it to the gutter?

Mike
YES!


5/4/20, 6:05 pm
Allan


5/4/20, 8:07 pm
Mike
This one thrills me it's so simple and beautiful. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrz4PQ92PyY&feature=share
The Everly Brothers ~ So Sad (To Watch Good Love Go Bad)
youtube.com

5/4/20, 11:03 pm
Allan
I loved this song so much. I once named one of my early 
paintings after it. Then later, I met Don, who wrote it, 
at an art opening, and told him so!

A similar theme, a sad break-up song, 
by the wonderful McGarrigle Sisters: 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63dIZ4ylfac
Go, Leave - Kate and Anna McGarrigle
youtube.com 

Allan
would marry any one of these three girls 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzpz_q7mg0M">

Mike
I have heard them on public radio but never paid much 
attention to them. That is a beautiful and very very sad 
song. It was hard to get through it was so sad. But the 
end confused me. She asked the guy if he was stalling 
from leaving and that people can hear true hearts when
they're calling. And that was the end. So I think we're 
supposed to think he might not leave her. 
What do you think?

Allan
I think he left. But stalled, because they loved each other, 
it was hard for both of them. Maybe like my 
"I guess it's time to say good-bye to you and me"

http://allanmccollum.net/music/
Time_to_Say_Goodbye_to_You_and_Me.mp3
allanmccollum.net

Mike
Allan, I haven't thought about that song in years. That is so 
simply beautiful and all your songs are great and that's
one of the best. I like it that you change that last line 
to "me and you." I've always liked that part. You don't 
mind if I forward that to Lina do you?

Mike
I know you won't mind. I don't know why I even asked. 
I'm just going to go ahead and do it.

Mike
I promise I won't add or change any words or arrangements
to the song. I know you don't like that and I always wondered
"What's the big freaking deal? What's his problem?" I can't
believe I was so presumptous and arrogant to do that without 
even asking you. I hope when I'm 82 I don't look back and say 
"man I did some dumb shit stuff when I was in my seventies."

5/5/20, 10:30 am
Mike

Allan, this is so cool: 
There is a news site called GNN. The Good News Network. 
So I looked at the first story titles and there all about positive aspects 
of things happening with the Coronavirus. It's amazing I didn't know it 
existed. It's uplifting from the scary and dreadful news I have been 
watching which has really brought me down.

5/5/20, 11:16 am
Mike
If speech-to-text tells me I'm "clear avoided," what am I?


5/5/20, 12:43 pm
Allan
You're a psychic medium.

Mike
Excellent!
Sometimes I feel like I'm clearly avoided. HAH!

5/5/20, 1:13 pm
Allan


Mike
I have the best idea ever. Nobody's doing it cuz I Googled it. 
Although, I could be wrong. Speech-to-Text puzzles. 
Real examples made into puzzles. Figure out what the 
speaker was really trying to say.

5/5/20, 2:05 pm
Allan
!! Hahaha, great idea!!

5/5/20, 3:28 pm
Mike
Why would Allan McCollum make a terrible movie producer? 
Because he only casts dead dogs, dinosaur bones, and tree 
stumps, all of which are generally really bad actors.


5/5/20, 4:20 pm
Mike
Can I post that joke on Facebook? Your friends would like it.

Allan
No!!
Haha
Oh, well . . . OK!

5/5/20, 4:54 pm
Mike
OK. I'll do it.

Mike
My first puzzle: 

It's a scene code, then I owed blunts.

Clue.

5/5/20, 8:16 pm
Allan
It's . . . a . . . cinco . . . ?

5/5/20, 9:58 pm
Mike
I just reread it. No wonder you didn't get it. It makes no sense. 
It sounds nothing like the answer. I don't know where my brain
was but that was a ridiculously nonsense clue. 
The answer was: 
It's my first attempt so be gentle: 
"It's a Cinco de Mayo lunch." 
I'm sorry if you over-taxed your brain on that one. My fault.

5/5/20, 10:44 pm
Mike

You're incomm1wunicabo. 
When describing how to play footsies to his
doctor friend, what did the detective say? 
Watson! The game is a foot!

Mike
You'll probably figure this out: What happens if your cell phone 
crashes when your at a beautiful resort on the southern tip of Baja 
California? 
You're incomm1wunicabo. 

When describing how to 
play footsies to his doctor friend, what did the detective say? 
Watson! The game is a foot! 

What song was sung to James Daniel Dee that he should 
go get his scarlet pool stick?

5/5/20, 11:18 pm


Allan
I honestly have no idea.

Mike
Jim Dan Dee to the red cue! 
Jim Dan Dee to the red cue. 
Go Jim Dan Dee! 
Go Jim Dan Dee!

Mike 
LaVern Baker and The Gliders - Jim Dandy 
& Jim Dandy Got Married (1956-57)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
KHzFx91Wh_Q&feature=share
youtube.com>

5/6/20, 12:18 am
Allan
I guess I've got a lot to learn . . .

Mike
Do you not remember the song? It was a pretty big hit. 
I love that dancing in the video. Craazy Daddy-O!

5/6/20, 2:04 am
Allan
I have no memory of the song. I couldn't have solved your riddle 
if I'd had ten years! It's a great video. But what I really liked a 
lot was that a video of Linda Ronstadt singing "Blue Bayou"
appeared right after it. Wow. A song I love sung by a singer 
I love. What an amazing performance. So then I searched and 
found two different videos of the original writer Roy Orbison 
singing it. So I have a lot to thank you for!

Mike
Thanks.

5/6/20, 8:55 pm
Mike
Roy Orbison was always one of my very favorites. Really good
live videos of Roy are on Youtube. I love Linda too. I really 
feel for her now when I see her sick and unable to perform 
anymore and she seems like such a wonderful person. I wish 
I could comfort her in some way but I wouldn't know how 
to even send her a card.

Mike
I'm so strange Allan. Every time I hear the lyrics "Save a 
nickel save a dime." Then I think "Stick it where the sun
don't shine." What has happened to me? When I accuse 
you of taking everything to the gutter, it's obviously a 
projection disorder.

5/6/20, 10:54 pm
Allan
Haha, no, it's all about me, of course. And thank you for
the nice things you said about my songs! I get sad when 
I listen to that one with Mary Ann, because it sort of 
matches what happened when she eventually said goodbye 
to the family.

Allan
And oh, regarding the Mexican holiday:


Mike
That is really funny. I'm sending it to my Mexican professor 
who I have become good friends with.

Mike
Without Googling it, tell me what Cinco de Mayo actually 
celebrates. For years I thought it was their independence day, 
but my professor told me it was not.

5/6/20, 11:24 pm
Allan
Wasn't it the end of the Mexican revolution?

5/7/20, 1:05 am
Mike
Maybe cthat's a way of saying what I learned it to be, 
but I don't know. It's the Mexican army's May 5, 1862, 
victory over France in the Franco-Mexican War.

According to the internet, Mexican Independence Day is 
September 16th, 1810. It's celebrated on that date which 
started a revolt against the Spaniards.

Mike
Independence was not attained until August 24th 1821 
when Spain and Mexico signed the Treaty of Cordoba.

5/7/20, 12:15 pm
Allan
I'm so ignorante.

Mike
¡Yo también!

Mike
Here is one I'm going to send to My Hispanic friends, Roxana, 
Marleny, and Bibiana. They will love it. The white man who 
knows Spanish lingo Loves to play Mexican bingo. Again and 
again He just cannot win Es un estupido gringo.  
  


Mike
Was it proper to rage at the dressmaker when unable 
to wear her new dress because she was too fat? 
Not befitting her considerable prominence.

5/7/20, 6:54 pm
Allan
She's swell-known.

Mike
Dat dress not be fitting the fat girl.

Allan
She should be living by the paunch bowl.

Mike
She's Arabian, "Ahbeeg Phadass."

Mike
You're wearing my brain out Allan I have to take a nap now

Allan
She's been bitter and angry at you for years, for the 
way you describe her. She's a. grudgy pudgy.

Allan
Sweet dreams!

Mike
You need a paunch in the mouth. Go suck a fat girl's belly. 
She'll say, "Belly belly glad to see you."

Allan
Don't tummy what to do.

5/8/20, 11:21 am
Mike


5/8/20, 12:06 pm
Mike
Is it too early for this one? What kind of a establishments 
sells things like fermented salmon heads, bat paste, fried 
scorpions, beetle larvae, and moose nose? 

GROSSERY STORES

5/8/20, 1:28 pm
Allan
ick.

5/8/20, 2:06 pm
Mike
GROSSER EEEEE!

5/8/20, 8:57 pm
Mike
I just thought of a new joke just now. 
Reporter: President Trump why have you not been using a mask? 
Trump: Did you say mask or mosque? Whichever, I have 
absolutely no use for either and that was a nasty question 
and you're fake news, so sit down and shut up! Next!

5/9/20, 1:47 pm
Mike
What do you call an imposter who panhandles 
outside stores at Christmas time? 
Does a fake Santa ring a bell?


5/9/20, 3:26 pm
Allan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbBT6E4-SI

5/9/20, 4:02 pm
Mike
Video: I'm Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chris Christie
youtube.com

Mike
Allan please don't spread that around. I'm hoping to get motivated 
to make a better version for next Christmas. You're the only one 
I know who's seen it, although it is posted on YouTube & there 
have been 39 mil views, less the mil.

5/9/20, 5:42 pm
Mike

Who needs expensive personal protective latex gloves when 
a cheap poop bag with a rubber band work just well?

5/9/20, 8:18 pm
Allan
thinking . . .

5/10/20, 6:55 pm
Mike Missed audio0:32
Mike Missed audio0:35

5/10/20, 7:16 pm
Mike
Speaking of which Allan I just reread a very interesting 
article about Stepin Fetchit and he was the first black 
entertainer to have a successful film career and the first black
entertainer to make $1,000,000. It's a really interesting article. 
Wikipedia.

5/11/20, 12:25 am
Mike
I made up a personal riddle only for you. How would
Trump describe his company's products if they made cars? 
"Perfect Vehicles."


5/11/20, 1:00 am
Mike
Allan, of all you many, many art works you've done in your 
amazing career, I always come back to Perfect Vehicles as 
my favorite. I don't know why it grabs me like that. 
But, it does. I love them.


5/11/20, 11:21 am
Mike Missed audio 0:02
Mike Missed audio 0:47


5/11/20, 6:35 pm
Mike
My cell phone home page.


5/11/20, 9:50 pm
Allan
Really?????

Mike
Yes.

Allan




Thank you!!! 

Allan
Where did you find that nice picture?

Mike
Google search for images of them.

Allan
Oh. I'm not sure I'd seen that one before. I'll search!

Mike
Where are they placed?

Allan
Oh! It's on my own website, haha.

Mike
Hah! where are they installed?

Allan
They were installed only temporarily there. 
In Central Park, in New York City.

Mike
Where are they now?

Allan
I forget - they were sold individually, I think . . .
it was years ago.

Mike
I want one.

Mike
Do you know how many sets of those are installed in 
other countries and in the US?

Allan
haha me too!

Allan
I don't have that info without research.

Mike
OK.

Mike
I'll wait for you to finish your research.

Allan
This is a museum in France . . . 
they own six . . .

A visitor looks at an installation by 
US artist Allan McCollum...
gettyimages.ae

Mike
Did you know large images of that photo are
being sold for $500?

Allan
A park in New Orleans:

https://www.alamy.com/perfect-vehicles-1988-by
-american-artist-allan-mccollum-sydney-and-walda
-besthoff-sculpture-garden-new-orleans-art-museum-usa
-image234681604.html
Stock Photo - Perfect Vehicles, 1988, by American 
artist Allan McCollum, Sydney and Walda Besthoff 
Sculpture Garden, New Orleans Art Museum, USA
alamy.com

Mike replied to you
Original message:
A park in New Orleans: https://www.alamy.com/perfect-vehicles-1988-by-am...


Allan
A museum in New Jersey owns two:

https://www.newarkmuseumart.org/perfect-vehicles
Perfect Vehicles: | Newark Museum
newarkmuseumart.org

Mike 

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5332/
18239705464_985b8b72c5_b.jpg

5/12/20, 3:17 am
Allan


5/13/20, 3:53 pm
Mike
My cats' behaviors are just like Donald Trump's. 
Everything they do is purrrrfect.


5/15/20, 5:08 pm
Mike
I made up a Rodney Dangerfield-like Joke: 
I asked my wife for sex. She said "CDC rules say 
we need to limit our contact." 
I said, "What else is new?" 
No respect."

5/17/20, 3:22 pm
Mike
My Sunday riddle: 
What ploy do horses use to resist leaving the barn? 
Stall tactics.


5/17/20, 3:56 pm
Allan
A bad case of the trots.

Mike
I thought we had an understanding.

 Missed audio call
3:59 PM
 Missed audio call
4:00 PM

5/17/20, 6:17 pm
Mike
In addition, look at my new cell phone homepage. 
It reminds me to get stable, quit horsing around and 
stalling 'cause I'm tired of being a neigh-sayer 
saddled with laziness.


5/18/20, 12:12 am
Mike
The Killer Fog just moved in.


Allan


5/18/20, 12:51 pm
Mike
What did the hallucinating schizophrenic say after 
being locked up in solitary confinement?
"Settle in everyone, it's gonna be a long night."


5/18/20, 2:49 pm
Mike
I'm stepping up in the world. And my first purchase was 
satin pillowcases. It's a good start. But, here's a great
country song that teaches us money cannot buy love.
Jeanne Pruett ~ Satin Sheets
youtube.com"



They're designed to pump up the humor, but 
I always run them into the ground.


5/18/20, 3:46 pm
Allan


5/18/20, 4:03 pm
Mike
I forgot to include the riddle: Why are my jokes like an oil rig

5/18/20, 5:08 pm
Mike
I just read that Ken Osmand who played as Eddie Haskell died. 
He was one of those characters that if you said somebody was like 
Eddie Haskell, everybody knew exactly what you meant. The 
character is Legendary. Like Barney Fife. I met a customer at 
Lowe's who told me he had written a book about Ken Osmond.


5/19/20, 12:30 am
Mike
What's the difference between a desert sidewinder and
Donald Trump. One is a dangerous poisonous, souless threat. 
And, the other one is a snake.



5/20/20, 11:28 am
Allan


5/20/20, 10:51 pm
Mike

Here's a photo I don't ever remember seeing. 
I'm the goofy-looking one wearing shorts. 
That was at a rehearsal for Saw and Soul.

5/21/20, 1:46 am
Allan


5/23/20, 4:45 pm
Mike
Here's my new brain twister riddle: What do you call 
a candidate's wrong and unprincipled main supporters' 
headquarter's building foundation?
So simple: It's his off-base base base base base.

5/23/20, 5:42 pm
Allan
LOL!

5/23/20, 6:07 pm
Mike


5/23/20, 8:27 pm
Allan

5/24/20, 10:54 pm
Mike
How are you doing Allan? Good I hope, of course. Today
I applied for unemployment benefits because I researched it and 
independant contractors can qualify. I submitted my online application.

Mike
Have you looked into that?

5/25/20, 10:11 am
Allan
Wow, no, I haven't. Are you sure independent contractors 
can do that? Anyway, I'm just a fellow in business for himself,
sigh. Not working for anyone else. my 13-year-long assistant 
went on unemployment last month, because she has to stay 
home now, to take care boo her two kids, because their 
pre-schools closed! And nobody's bought any of my art for 
over nine months. at least I have some savings, and I get 
Social Security every month. Don't you?

5/25/20, 10:26 am
Mike
https://dol.ny.gov/pandemic-unemployment-assistance
Pandemic Unemployment Assistance
dol.ny.gov

Mike
Yes I get Social Security checks every month. 
The unemployment benefit (PUA) is for self 
employed people. The application is pretty easy. 
It's a federal program. I sent you the link for NY
info. If I were you I would definitely file an
application because you need it.

If I qualify the minimum weekly payment is $167. 
That's what I would get which would be so helpful.

5/27/20, 6:56 pm
Allan
This cheered me up! I'd never heard of this 
interesting fellow - he's the one who wrote 
"Cry of the Wild Goose," haha!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_Gilkyson
Terry Gilkyson - Wikipedia
en.wikipedia.org

5/28/20, 12:48 am
Mike
This is interesting Allan. The article says the Wild Goose 
song was released in 1950. So, I would have been only 
one or two and you five or six. So, we had to have been 
older when you got it and played it so much. I researched 
it further and it was a hit for Frankie Laine in 1950. 
I'm thinking you must have got it after it was a big hit 
sometime a couple or a few years later. What do you think?

5/28/20, 1:12 am
Allan
I have no recollection! But I can't imagine that I was 
the one who got it. Maybe mom or dad? Or some friend? 
I don't think I bought a record until I was 11 or 12 or older!

5/28/20, 12:15 pm
Mike
OK. I have always thought it was your record. 
I'm guessing Dad's.

5/28/20, 1:26 pm
Allan
Maybe connected to the divorce, haha.

5/28/20, 1:43 pm
Mike
I should not have laughed about that but I did.
 
Speaking of goose, do by any chance remember a 
very strange thing Dad said about one of your 
female friends? It was something like this,: 
"She seems like the kind of a girl that I could
goose and nobody would care." I just looked 
"goose" slang up. It was a pretty hocking thing 
for Dad to say.

Mike
I don't remember if you were there or not. I do 
remember the girl had dark brown hair but that's 
about all I remember.

5/29/20, 12:23 am
Allan
!!! I never heard him say anything like this!! Ughhh!

Mike
I just remember it was a really pretty girl with long dark 
hair with kind of a sexy demeanor. I had never heard 
him say anything like that and I was speechless I remember.

Allan
I wonder if it was Gail Cooper? She was beautiful, and 
in fact was "Miss Redondo Beach" one year. I remember 
him looking her up and down, our in front of the house, 
and feeling a little creeped out by that. I'll bet it was her.

Allan
Gail committed suicide, years later, I heard from her cousin.

Mike
It was her. You refreshed my memory. 
What a shame she killed herself.

Mike
Do you have any photos of her?

Allan
No ... 

Allan
OH! Yes I do ...

Allan

High school annual photo . . .

Mike
So lovely. I just sent you an email with a picture and 
I think Gail is one of the three girls.

Its from a 1962 story in the Santa Cruz Sentinel.

Allan
Yes, that's her . . . I once found that online . . . 
they describe her height and weight and figure 
measurements, haha.

She was seriously beautiful. And smart.

Mike
I remember that she was smart.

Mike

I'm watching a show called "Boss" that takes place in 
Chicago. Do you recognize this art installation in a park?

Allan
Haha - no! Hmmm!

Mike
I thought for sure you would.

Allan
I'll ask Elizabeth tomorrow - she was chief curator at 
Museum of Contemporary Art for like 10 years. . .



Mike


Mike
How are you going to beat your competition if 
you don't even know who your competition is?

Allan
Yep, I'm a loser.

Mike
Far from it.

Mike


Allan


5/30/20, 6:02 pm
Mike
Stay away from Times Square. I just saw 
someone get arrested on live CNN.

6/2/20, 11:47 am
Mike
Hi Allan. How are you feeling? I'm feeling good. 
San Pedro is part of the City of Los Angeles so 
I am subject to the curfews, but everything is 
quiet in San Pedro.

6/2/20, 1:43 pm
Allan
Hi, I'm OK. Some looters broke into the building 
I live in, two nights ago, into one of the Astros 
on the first floor! I didn't know it until I read 
about it, I'm way in the back of th building on 
the 3rd floor. What a weird tim! I'm glad you're 
feeling good,

Mike
Do you mean a professional baseball player lives 
on the first floor? Wow! I'm so sorry you have to 
deal with that. I hope you have a good way of 
locking your door. And, do you know how to 
quickly exit your building safely if you have to?

6/2/20, 2:59 pm
Allan
I types "stores" and it printed Astros!!!~!~

Mike
I should have figured that out.

Mike
I didn't remember you had stores in your building.

Mike
Do retail stores in your building get the benefit 
of rent control like you do?

6/2/20, 3:27 pm
Mike
I'm watching one of my favorite newscasters, Brooke Baldwin, 
on CNN. She just said she lives in SoHo. Have you ever seen 
her in the neighborhood?


6/2/20, 9:10 pm
Mike
I'm picturing you pouring molten metal 
down on those looters like Quasimodo.


6/2/20, 10:25 pm
Mike

On my walk today at the marina this girl asked 
if she could pose for me. How could I say "No?"

6/3/20, 3:26 pm
Allan
That's so strange! The same thing happened 
to me in SoHO today!


Mike
Two lucky guys!!

Mike
Actually, my girl asked me if I would join her on her yacht, 
but unfortunately I knew I would eventually break her heart, 
so I had to let her down gently and sadly decline.

6/4/20, 8:19 pm
Mike
Allan, do you remember, "The Hoaxters?"

6/6/20, 6:04 pm
Mike
What is the name of an American senorita who 
has erroneous notions? Miss Concepcion.


Mike
6/7/20, 1:47 am

Allan
No . . . a movie?

Mike
You are under the misconception that it's a movie?

You're thinking of "Miss Congeniality" with Sandra 
Bullock which is a really good.movie.

6/7/20, 1:11 pm
Allan


6/7/20, 3:49 pm
Mike forwarded a link

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2308441772797392
The Most Elaborate Trick Shot You Will Ever See
theScore

6/7/20, 4:48 pm
Allan
What an amazing cartoon!

6/21/20, 2:30 pm
Mike
What one word can relate to fire and bloodshed,
but also relate to water and fun?

6/22/20, 12:51 am
Allan
LSD?

Mike
CANNONBALL!


Mike
LSD? ????

6/22/20, 4:20 pm
Allan
Oops, sorry, that would be 3 words. Lysergic acid diethylamide.

Mike
Sorry, but it still doesn't make sense unless you're implying
I must have been on acid when I wrote the riddle.  -1

Mike
Seriously Allan, have you looked into the pandemic unemployment 
assistance materials that I sent you? If this will help you do it, I qualified 
in May and I have been paid $8,338 since then. It's going to be very helpful 
to me and it might be for you to I think. But you have to apply.

6/23/20, 4:13 pm
Allan
OK, I'll think about it!

6/23/20, 4:44 pm
Mike
Thinking about it won't get you any benefits. -1

6/24/20, 3:26 pm
Mike

GIPHY

6/24/20, 8:27 pm
Allan


6/27/20, 12:03 am
Allan
Finally, something REAL!!


https://www.facebook.com/franco.polimeni.90/
posts/582078526075152mages/
Magnifico!!! ??????
Francesco

Mike
So great. Thanks Allan. 
Do you know who the puppeteers are?

Allan
I know nothing about this!
I'll see if I can find out . . .

Mike
OK. Sounds good.

Allan
Found it: 
https://www.facebook.com/periplomarionetas/
Periplo Marionetas Puppets Makers
Public figure

Mike
I'm going to take a.look at what you have 
sent me tomorrow. Thanks Allan.

6/27/20, 11:08 pm
Allan
https://www.facebook.com/johnJPpatrick/
videos/10219953706567426/ 

It is beyond shameful that these 
are the inarticulate words of a 
US president, but in the hands of 
a gifted comedienne... they're comedy 
platinum. Sarah Cooper is killin' it!

http://Facebook.com/therealsarahcooper
John

6/28/20, 12:48 am
Mike
That is SOOOOO GOOOOD! 
She's amazingly hilarious. Thanks!
Enter

Allan
I agree - she's almost unbelievable!!

7/5/20, 8:01 pm
Mike

Look! I am the Singing Patriot! Look 
behind me and you will see Gracie has 
appropriated my guitar case for her 
personal use.

7/6/20, 12:35 am
Allan
Red white and blue!

Mike
And grey.

7/11/20, 3:33 pm
Mike
What runs around very fast, always trying 
to hit things, and is very clear-headed and 
alert, and the same word is something that 
moves very slowly, is never violent, 
mindlessand very mixed up?


7/12/20, 12:06 am
Allan
Hmmm. I'll try to figure the one out.

Allan
A stoner?

Mike
Not a stoner.

Mike
One of my friends solved it.

7/12/20, 12:40 am
Allan
Pool ball.

Mike
That's actually not a bad answer, but wrong.

7/12/20, 1:02 pm
Allan
The term drone was originally used in Old English 
to refer to a male bee whose only work is to mate 
with the queen bee. Because of this, the drones 
have always been identified as idlers. While the 
worker bees are worrying about collecting nectar 
and defending the hive, the drones just idle around 
waiting to mate. Later in the 16th century, the term 
started being used to refer to lazy people. This 
was in relation to the behavior of the male bees. 
Also, at around this time the word began to be 
used as a verb to refer to a monotonous buzzing 
sound. So, how did the word begin to be used to 
refer to Unmanned Aerial Vehicles? In 1883 during
the Spanish American War, a kite was used to take 
the first aerial photograph. After this, the World War 1 
led to the construction of radio controlled aircraft. 
However, they became ready after the war had 
ended. In the 1930s, the British DH 82B Queen Bee,
a primitive Unmanned Aerial Vehicle, was developed
by the British Royal Navy. It was in the year 1935 
when U.S Adm. William H. Standley saw a demon-
stration by the British Royal Navy of the new aircraft 
that was remote controlled. Back in the U.S, Standley 
assigned a commander by the name Delmer Fahrney 
the job of developing a similar object for the U.S Navy. 
The Commander used the name 'drone' to refer to 
the aircraft in respect to the British Queen Bee. The 
term was fit since the drone could not function on its 
own and had to be controlled by someone on the 
ground. The British DH 82B Queen Bee could be 
landed to be used on another day and had the 
capability of reaching speeds as high as 160 km/h.

Allan
Hmmm.

Allan
A pitcher?

7/12/20, 1:31 pm
Allan
Must be a drone.

7/12/20, 2:31 pm
Mike


Allan
Oh. Not a pitcher.

Mike
"Pitcher" doesn't work. Neither does "outfielder" 
or "short stop." Happy Sunday Allan.

Allan
I never new batter was slow moving.
I guess I should stop "whipping up" my batter, and slow down.

Mike
Slow down Allan. You're talking nonsense.


Allan
Slowly add club soda into the pitcher and stir.
http://www.optimistic-
kitchen.com/perfect-pitcher-
mojito-cocktails/

Perfect Pitcher of Mojito Cocktails
optimistic-kitchen.com

Mike
Futhermore, if your pancake batter is moving 
fast, you made it too thin and you'e not a good 
breakfast cook.

Allan
Exactly. Batter needs to be slow, not fast. 
You're right.

Mike
Your welcome.

Allan
I'm going to go into the kitchen now, and slowly
stir the club soda into my pitcher.

Mike
You don't have a kitchen.

Allan
Yes I do! I built it myself! Slowly.

Mike
Unless you call a hot plate and a microwave a kitchen.

Mike
Is there a sink?

Allan
AND a sink and a refrigerator. Yes.

Mike
I stand corrected.

Allan
I forgive you.

Mike

Tenor GIF Keyboard

7/14/20, 6:22 pm
Mike
What one word can mean something given to 
someone for upholding the law; but can also 
mean something given to someone for breaking 
the law.
7/14/20, 7:44 pm


7/14/20, 8:02 pm
Allan
I'm not sure what your insight might incite.

Mike
It might incite a citation for my insight.

7/15/20, 1:53 pm
Mike


7/15/20, 3:16 pm
Allan
?who is this handsome fellow?


Mike

OMG! I think that's an omen that you 
better immediately repent and confess 
your many sins!

7/15/20, 11:06 pm
Mike
  1
Some days the water is darker than others, 
and this is one of those days. I like the 
contrast between the water and the sky.

7/15/20, 11:33 pm
Allan
For instance . . .


Mike
What a great photo. Thanks.

7/17/20, 10:52 pm
Mike

Look. This is a photo of something being made 
for the military during World War II and it looks 
just like one of your individual works.


7/17/20, 11:37 pm
Allan
One person told me that the "Individual Works"
looks like Hand Grenades!! UGH.

7/18/20, 12:44 am
Mike
The thing in the story was something being 
worked on in a munitions factory. 
So, your friend was right.

7/24/20, 8:21 pm
Mike
Why wouldn't the D.A. discuss the lawsuit 
about damage to a BIC ballpoint? 
Because it was pen ding litigation.


7/24/20, 9:25 pm
Allan
OK, that's hilarious! Haha

Allan
You're such a sharpie.

Mike
I'm inkredible!

7/25/20, 1:02 am
Allan


7/25/20, 3:53 pm
Mike
"I think everyone should have a noose for 
their garage door pull ..... Knot."


7/25/20, 4:37 pm
Mike
I get to watch Blood Simple tonight. I haven't 
seen it in probably 30 years so I'm going to 
watch it tonight on HBO Max which I got a 
free 30-day subscription because I bought 
my new big screen TV.

Allan
Blood Simple is one of the greatest movies. 
I've probably seen it like 4 times. I remember 
that my former girlfriend Lilian's daughter went 
to grammar school with one of the Coen brother's 
daughters, and I once had dinner with Lilian and 
her daughter and the Coen daughter, and it was 
pretty clear she was as brilliant as her father. 
I love the film "A Serious Man" also, I've watched 
that like three times. A friend of mine from my 
time taking drama classes at El Camino is in it!
Enter

Mike
Is A Serious Man a Coen Brothers movie?

Allan
Yeah . .

Mike
for A Serious Man. Thanks for the tip.

Allan
AND, off course, Fargo!

Mike
I've seen Fargo several times. 
Really good movie.

Mike
I just looked at a long list of Coen Brothers 
movies and I had no idea they made so 
many. I really like Oh Brother Where Art 
Thou & True Grit with Jeff Bridges playing 
John Wayne's part. I did not like The Big 
Lebowski because I really didn't get the 
humor although I know it's the favorite 
Coen Brothers film of lots of people.

7/25/20, 10:13 pm
Allan
The Lebowski one is pretty weird!

7/26/20, 1:12 am
Mike
I just finished Blood Simple. I had 
forgotten what the story was about. 
Except for the scene when Marty got 
buried alive. That has always stuck 
with me. Frances McDormand was 
so young. Only 27 in 1984 when 
I saw it. Only 36 years ago.

7/26/20, 2:21 pm
Allan
I love the final scene with the sink 
pipe dripping!

Mike
Me too. It definitley got my attention.

7/27/20, 9:40 pm
Mike
I just figured out the White House strategy 
for stopping the virus. We all die. Problem 
solved. Then Donald Trump and his White 
House buddies pop-up out of their underground 
bunker and start the country all over again.


7/27/20, 10:03 pm
Mike
What do a: (1) dry county, (2) cellphone that's died,
and (3) school without gymnastics equipment 
have in common?

7/27/20, 11:49 pm
Allan
No bars.

Mike
Yay! You're the 3rd one to get it right.

Mike
But how did you know that a dead cell phone has 
no bars? You must have cheated someway and I 
mean to get to the bottom of this!

Allan
You made another joke about this a couple 
of years ago, and taught me.

Allan
What do you call a stage performance by
a person who cooks bread and a rule that 
allows one to admit a someone into a mental 
hospital in Florida against their will?

Mike
Baker Act. Everybody knows that.

Everybody knows that ... after they Google it of course.

Allan
I thought only I knew, because I studied 
Restaurant Management at L.A. Trade Tech, 
and was one in a mental hospital.

Mike
Those would be good reasons to know. 
I thought maybe somebody tried to Baker 
Act you when you were in Florida. "Baker 
Act" someone is an expression used in 
Florida. "You better hand over the money 
or we're going to Baker Act your dumb ass."

Allan
No, that never happened. But when I first 
moved to New York, I worked for Voila Bakery, 
when th first started up. There were only 
five employees back then, including the 
founder and his wife:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYKOeYA603w
Voila bakery
youtube.com


Mike
I didn't know (or remember) that you had a 
bakery job in NYC. Is the Voila Bakery a big 
business now? I watched the video and it 
doesn't look very big.

Allan
It got much bigger over time. It was founder 
by this really nice guy, Frank Kitchens. We're
Facebook friends, actually. Here's his quick 
story of the business: 
"Founder Company Name Voila Bakeries Inc 
Dates Employed Apr 1976 - Dec 2009 
Employment Duration 33 yrs 9 mos
Location New York In 1976, I founded 
Voila Bakeries Inc as its sole employee and 
as the first wholesale producer and distributor 
of quality all-butter croissants in the NYC 
metro area. Over time, other viennoiserie 
products, such as danish, muffins and scones, 
and artisan breads were added to the product 
mix. Over that period, the business grew to 
more than $12,000,000 in annual sales with
approximately 120 employees. I sold the business 
in late-2009. The company continued operating 
until it went out of business in mid-201"

Allan
(mid-2014)

Allan
I loved the job. It was like only a block away 
from my SoHo home, at the time.

Allan
Now to bed! G'night!

Mike
That's a great story about the bakery. Frank 
Kitchens was a giid business man. 
Goodnight Allan.

Mike
good*

7/28/20, 1:53 pm
Mike
My cat, Treadleedee, is very much enjoying 
the William Barr testimony.


7/28/20, 2:43 pm
Allan
I hope you can get some good political advice 
from that cat.

Mike
As good as any!

7/30/20, 12:41 am
Mike


7/30/20, 2:49 am
Allan
How did you do that?????

7/30/20, 3:14 am
Mike
I got a make GIF app.

7/31/20, 3:53 pm
Mike
Allan I really hope you took my advice 
about getting the unemployment benefit you're 
allowed. Congress is working on extending it 
now beond July 31st. But even if they don't 
extend it, by December 31st of this year I will 
have gotten $16,113. If they extend it (and I'm
 certain the benefit will be extended in some 
form) I will be quite a bit more. If you haven't 
done it yet, please do it. You are totally qualified. 
I think you told me you made around $60,000 
last year. All that means is that you're likely 
going to get a higher benefit than I do. 
Love Mike

8/2/20, 6:06 pm
Mike
Allan is your artwork on a wall in a
Four Seasons Hotel in Azerbaijan?


8/3/20, 9:17 am
Allan
I tried so hard to help Donald with that deal - but 
he was just so dumb, I couldn't make it work

8/3/20, 10:45 am
Mike
So, it's not your work? It sure looks like it.

8/3/20, 2:57 pm
Allan
Yes it's my work, haha. Bought for some 
hotel lobby ... nothing to do with Trump!

8/3/20, 3:42 pm
Mike
Yes the Four Season in Azerbaijan. Amazing.
Enter

8/4/20, 4:02 pm
Mike

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Allan! 
Will you be seeing Elizabeth? I hope so.

8/5/20, 7:47 pm
Allan
Thanks Mike! She and I will be spending 
Next week ate rented apartment in Provincetown!!

Mike
Great Allan!! Say hi to her for me please.

8/5/20, 8:16 pm
Allan
OK!

Mike
Someday I have to travel the East coast. I
 know I'll love it. Have you ever done a 
lighthouse tour?

8/8/20, 6:47 pm
Allan
Haha, no! Is there a such a thing??

8/8/20, 7:13 pm
Mike
Yes, there are.
I don't know if there are commercial tours. 
But there are books a person can use to self tour.

Allan
Hmm. I've never toured myself. 
Sounds a littl self-centered

Mike
Why would anyone want to get on a bus 
with a bunch of other old geezers?

8/8/20, 8:54 pm
Allan


8/10/20, 9:02 pm
Mike
What do you call an obese, over-zealous 
meter maid? Cash Cow.


8/11/20, 1:06 pm
Mike
One of Allan McCollum's earlier works.


Allan
I was so great with my color choices

Mike
I love your patterns.

Allan

Allan McCollum | Constructed Paintings, 1971
artbasel.com

Allan
Thank you!

Mike
Seriously, I love those you made. It remimds 
of the time you let me stay with you in Venice.

8/11/20, 9:03 pm
Allan
Thanks Mike
- so long ago. I love these too. The one in the picture 
was never shown anywhere until last year, sigh.
I love you!

8/15/20, 3:28 pm
Mike


8/15/20, 5:31 pm
Mike


8/15/20, 7:06 pm
Allan
LOL LOL 


8/15/20, 9:44 pm
Mike
What does a cranky elderly lady and a worn-out 
sack have in common? They're both old bags.

 

Mike
Allan, are you now with Elizabeth at that 
vacation spot you told me you were going to?

Allan
Hi! We're back, now in Brooklyn. 
I'll be home in SoHo tomorrow!

Mike
I'll bet it was good to get away.
I'm thinking of visiting Shael early September. Maybe.

8/15/20, 11:47 pm
Allan
MAYBE! And get her to MARRY you!!!!!!!!!!

(she wished me Happy Birthday this month, 
she'd never done that before!) She want's
more "McCollum" in her life!

Mike
It might be too late for that, but its a very nice thought.
And, I didn't tell her it was your birthday.

Allan
Wow! So she found out for herself!

8/16/20, 12:21 am
Mike
She has always been really good 
about remembering birthdays.

8/16/20, 2:10 pm
Mike
Why didn't the little teapot make the football team? 
He was stout but too short. He couldn't handle the 
pressure and was always spouting off "Tip me over" 
and his opponents happily obliged.


8/16/20, 3:21 pm
Allan
Oy.

8/19/20, 9:01 pm
Mike
What voting procedure was used to decide 
whether or not to do a play about various palm 
readings? A show of hands for a show of hands.


8/20/20, 5:08 pm
Mike
Allan, will you come out to L.A. and be my hospital 
advocate when I check myself in for heatstroke? 
I'm sweatin' like a whore in church!

8/21/20, 6:38 pm
Allan
This post scared me Mike. Please 
be careful what you write to me!

Mike
OK. I understand Allan. I'm really sorry I 
scared you. I didn't mean to. I know you 
know that. I won't ever do anything like 
that again. Love, =Mike

8/22/20, 12:23 am
Mike

Goodnight Allan. Have a good weekend 
and continue being safe and I will too. 
I'm so sorry that I upset you.

8/22/20, 1:02 am
Allan
It's OK, You were just trying to make a joke. 
I love you. Goodnight . . .

8/22/20, 6:10 pm
Mike
Knock Knock. Who's there? Hoosier. 
Hoosier who? Hoosier Daddy?


8/22/20, 8:12 pm
Allan
I'm glad you didn't say banana.

Mike
Allan, I know your jokes always make sense 
& you understand them, but I don't always. 
"Hoosier banana?" I don't get it.

Allan
Knock knock. Who's there? Michael. Michael who? 
Michael of duty is to respond to jokes.

Allan
Knock knock. 
Who's there? Mike
Mike who? 
My cuckoo clock.

Mike
OK those I got. I still don't get the "banana" 
banana joke. It has no a peel & you slipped 
up on that one.

Allan
Orange you going to apologize for saying that?

Mike
I think you're scared to admit your banana comment 
made no sense. In other words, you're yellow.

And good fruit puns don't grow on trees.

Allan
You need to get religion.

http://leeannkirkindoll.com/2018/05/10/
orange-you-glad-i-didnt-call-you-banana

ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA - 
LeeAnn Kirkindoll  -  leeannkirkindoll.com

Mike
What a segue!
She started with an old annoying joke and smoothly 
transitioned right into a long sermon about Jesus. 
How did she do that?

Allan
I know. I'd like to meet her, haha.

Mike
Ha ha! I wouldn't.

I love this photo.

Allan
See? She inspired you! 
Now I'm off to bed, haha.

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/5671356416/
hAC0783C6/fashion-banana
i.chzbgr.com

Mike
Leave it to you to find that one. Hah!!


Mike
How about this?
Yes we have no bananas. But lots of flowers on top.
And birds and dos pistolas.

8/22/20, 9:51 pm
Allan
Is that Linda Ronstadt??

Mike
I don't think so. I hadn't thought of that but it 
does seem like something she would do.

8/23/20, 12:10 am
Mike


Allan, here's a good Amazon series I found last night.
Called, "Rebecka Martinsson." I started on Season 2, 
episode 1, and am on 3 now. I think it's taking place 
in Finland & with English subtitles. The lead is very 
cute and sexy so that's a bonus. Good stories so far.

8/23/20, 12:38 pm
Mike
Jake Tapper is interviewing Nancy Pelosi but 
why is she still in her pajamas? So inappropiate!


8/23/20, 3:29 pm
Allan
She works night and day.

Mike
And, it is Sunday, the day of rest. OK she's excused.

8/23/20, 11:30 pm
Mike
How's this one. We all remember the old joke, 
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side." And it reminds us 
that the Bible teaches us that Jesus crossed 
many roads to get to a spiritual side of life. 
As the shepard of his faithful worshipers 
who followed him on the road to Samaria, 
his quest for the Assyrians was blah blah 
blah blah blah blah. See how easy that was?

8/24/20, 3:12 pm
Allan
LOL!! OK, you ned to write an entire book of dumb 
jokes that everybody knows, and exlpain the 
Christian significance!!!

Mike
Hah! Hah!


8/24/20, 3:29 pm
Mike
You might be onto something. It doesn't have 
to stop just at Christianity. A man walks into a 
bar and says the bartender is a horse. With a 
look of surprise the man says, "Gee, the cow 
must have sold the place." What a marvelous 
reminder of the beautiful and sacred cow for 
which we show deep respect for its maternal 
and gentle strengh. And we must always 
remember: Have some delicious Indian 
Chicken Masala - Hindu. Have a fat, juicy 
cheeseburger - Hindon't. Start with a joke 
and end with a joke. Perfect

8/24/20, 7:31 pm
Allan
LOL

Mike
I heard a very funny Indian comic on the radio 
giving the audience rules for Hindus and Hindont's. 
So I stole that idea.

8/25/20, 8:02 pm
Mike
Allan, why don't you wear colors? I asked you that 
once and you told me that if everybody wore colors 
in New York City people would go crazy. I've never 
known if you were kidding me or not. Were you?

Mike
Why will the man with no feet never understand me? 
Because he'll never walk a mile in my shoes.


Mike
Pence: Mister President, Eric and Tiffany will be 
speaking tonight at your convention. 
Trump: Eric and Tiffany who?

8/26/20, 8:41 pm
Mike
Allan, I was listening to Caroline Gnagy and she 
did a song that really reminded me of your mobile 
home don't move me any more. Fun, fast lyrics 
with the same beat. "Blazin' a Champagne Trail."

8/26/20, 10:46 pm
Mike
What condition is it called when a river horse gets 
too cold? Sorry, but this one is too easy for me to 
tell you the answer here.

8/27/20, 1:13 am
Mike
OK nobody got it. The answer is: Hippotherma. 
A water horse is the English translation for the 
Latin word, "hippopotamus."

8/27/20, 3:20 pm
Mike
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away f
rom the crocodile who came out of the Nile River 
and was searching the road for prey.

Mike


8/27/20, 7:26 pm
Mike
You won't believe this one. I'm reading that during t
he week of September 8th, 1906, before outrage 
from local black ministers, a black teenager from 
Africa was put on display in the monkey cage at the 
Bronx Zoo. It took them until now you apologize. 
And then white people wonder why black people 
feel they've been treated horribly all these years.

8/28/20, 2:01 pm
Mike

Why did the luxury wine cruise liner sink? 
Bad liter ship

8/28/20, 3:54 pm
Allan
hahahaha

8/28/20, 4:39 pm
Mike
Thanks!

8/29/20, 12:07 pm
Mike
The full version: Why did the chicken cross the road 
in Africa? To get away from all the crocodiles that 
come out of the Nile River and hang out in the bushes 
by the roads patiently waiting for chickens to come by 
so they can ferociously attack them and have them for
 lunch or dinner, depending on what time of day it is, 
but if it's too hot they go back to the river to cool off 
until they have to leave the river towards the road 
again, in steath, because they're so damn hungry

8/29/20, 2:59 pm
Mike
My new posting.


8/29/20, 3:25 pm
Allan
Thank you for your logic.

8/30/20, 11:52 am
Mike
Two different views of what Sunday is.



8/30/20, 12:38 pm
Mike
You know me. Why wait until Sunday? I'm always one 
hundred percent motivated to kick back.

8/31/20, 11:15 am
Mike
How is this for a brilliant idea if you ever want to 
shoot somebody? Shoot'em then put a hard, small,
wire brush in the barrel & obliterate striation patterns 
so they can't forensically prove where the bullet(s) 
came from. Genius!


8/31/20, 11:55 am
Mike

I just gave myself my third haircut of the coronavirus 
season. I think a new career might be in my future.

8/31/20, 12:52 pm
Mike
Here's a good + creepy Netflix movie for you. "1BR."

8/31/20, 1:24 pm
Allan
Maybe I should fly you to New York to give me a haircut!

Mike
That's an excellent idea. You get the family discount, of course.

Allan
One bedroom is always depressing, I want three 
bedrooms. That's why I'm saving money.

8/31/20, 5:44 pm
Mike
Did I say something about bedrooms?

Allan, get some color in your life like I do. 
It will brighten your mood.


8/31/20, 6:32 pm
Allan
OK 

AllanMcCollum. Collection of Forty Plaster Surrogates. 
1982 (cast and painted in 1984) | MoMA
moma.org

8/31/20, 6:54 pm
Mike
Exactly.

8/31/20, 7:56 pm
Mike

Look. I had one of my photographs (with effects I added) framed 
and it's on my wall now. I think that it turned out pretty good. 
Sorry about the glare. I use the "point and shoot" method. 
The camera is the smart one.

And you better not say something like, "Gee Mike," 
did that take a lot of thought?

9/1/20, 12:22 pm
Mike
After the hemmorrhoid surgery, how did the surgeon react 
after his patient told him he could't pay? He ripped him 
a new one. Sorry but no image to accompany this one.

9/1/20, 6:02 pm
Allan
Red frame! Color! The beach! 
What could be happier?

Is this a true story, re the surgery?

9/1/20, 6:23 pm
Mike
Allan! I am not a deadbeat.

9/2/20, 1:24 am
Allan
OH.

9/2/20, 10:50 am
Mike
Chuck taught me this: 
What do credit card companies call customers who 
pay off their balancr every month? "Deadbeats." 
So funny!

Mike


9/2/20, 4:36 pm
Allan

That's me!

Mike
You DEADBEAT!!

9/2/20, 9:28 pm
Mike
Credit card companies love me as an unsecured borrower. 
I make on-time payments, but I never pay off my balance 
(unlike deadbeats). And that's why I get new credit card 
offers every other day in the mail. I'm not a risk of keeping 
my balance at zero.

9/3/20, 12:03 am
Allan
You are loved!!

Allan
My two elevations!

Allan
http://allanmccollum.net/supplements/MO/missouri_popups.html


Allan
http://allanmccollum.net/supplements/KS/kansas_popups.html"


9/3/20, 1:24 am
Mike


9/4/20, 2:46 pm
Mike
There are four clues in the following sentence that 
relate to one word. What's the word? 
"Bronson, give that forest animal the heave ho 
because it's hogging the terrain."

9/4/20, 4:36 pm
Allan
Moe, Bronson: Likes to make things and go places (https://www.instagram.com/bronsonmoe)
MO was the standard Chinese name for the giant panda from the 3rd century BCE to the 19th century CE, 
MO (Missouri) Kesmodel, David (2008-11-21). "Kansas City gives Mayor's helpmate the heave-ho". Wall Street Journal. Retrieved 2008-12-05 
MOW: A brush hogging or "bush hogging" is using a rotary mower

Allan
The answer is "MO"

Mike
That is brilliant Allan. Really good & very funny. 
Do you want my answer?

You crack me up.

OK I'm giving you the answer: WOODCHUCK.


9/5/20, 9:33 am
Mike
Why did Trump invite a roomful of beautiful young 
women to the oval office to assist with Covid? 
He was told to review various models.


9/5/20, 4:33 pm
Mike
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" 
"Yo!" 
"Back at ya, 'Yo.' 
But, who's there?" 
"Yo!" 
"OK 'Yo' again! 
How ya doin' but who are you?" 
"Yo!" 
"Alright already. 'Yo' for the third time. 
What's up, but who in the hell are you?" 
This is a knock knock joke dumbass. "Yo." 
"Jesus Christ, who's there?" 
"YO MAMA!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. 
Gotcha good!!!

9/5/20, 11:53 pm
Allan
Of course my response has to be, "OY!"
Enter

Mike
Why? Are you dyslexic?

I didn't know that face included all that language.

9/6/20, 11:45 am
Allan
I guess now is the right time to say Good Morning!

Mike


Allan
https://www.brooklynpaper.com/oy-to-the-world-new-
sculpture-speaks-from-brooklyn-bridge-park/

'Oy' to the world! New sculpture speaks from
Brooklyn Bridge Park
brooklynpaper.com

Mike
Remember when you used to do all those pranks 
and High School? So make letters out of the same 
stuff and same color that spell out MAMA and 
then at night secretly install it next to her YO. 
That would give you some exposure.
Just trying to help your career.

Better still, plan the caper with her. She could pretend 
she had no idea who who put it there and it would
totally get you and her in the news and your careers 
would skyrocket.

9/6/20, 12:23 pm
Mike

Cat'n the Box.

9/6/20, 3:28 pm
Allan
But what would AM AM OY Man?? Did you scroll down 
on the page ? She meant it to be read from both sides Haha

Mike
No I hadn't seen that. I have now. 
That's really good.

9/6/20, 10:38 pm
Mike
Are you as tired of this plot line as I am? A man 
(or woman) wakes up with amnesia and has no 
idea who they are or how they got there. 
They struggle to discover the dark secrets 
that blah blah blah blah

Mike
One more thing: I've discovered the success 
to be a great psychologist. All you have to do is 
listen to your patient say something about their
life and you say, "And how did that make you 
feel?" The patient rambles on and on and on 
and then you say, "And how did that make you feel?" 
And you continue that for an hour. Then you send 
your patient on their merry way until next time.

9/6/20, 11:18 pm
Allan
How long have you been feeling this way?

Mike
About ten minutes.

9/7/20, 8:07 pm
Allan


9/7/20, 9:01 pm
Mike
Do you remember when we figured out that 
Trump had won in 2016 we talked on the phone 
about how shocked we were and unhappy. I just 
had a very bad vision of us talking this November 
3rd on the phone for the same reason. It's really 
frightening that it might happen again,

9/8/20, 12:34 am
Allan
Stop thinking! Oy!

9/8/20, 10:48 am
Mike
OK. Very good advice.

9/11/20, 10:01 pm
Mike
I'm watching "Anaconda." on Netflix. It's good.
I've seen it several times. Good monster movie.

9/12/20, 12:22 am
Allan
OK, I need to be more scared. I'll consider it.
Enter

9/12/20, 6:24 pm
Mike

Hi Allan. I didn't know you had the "Everything is 
Going to be Okay" in July in Germany. Did you? 
Hah! It looks great. People can see it walking by. 
I like that.

Mike
P.S. "Anaconda" is not really scary. Just kind of fun. 
A young Jennifer Lopez (So HOT!), Owen Wilson, 
and Jon Voight.

Mike
 Missed audio call
6:34 PM

Mike
Allan, what is the latest on your show in L.A.?

9/14/20, 5:08 pm
Mike
Why did the wife- swapping, Trump 
supporting couple move to Florida? 
They heard it was a major swing state.


9/18/20, 3:26 pm
Mike


9/18/20, 5:20 pm
Allan
Then who the fuck am I talking' to?

9/18/20, 6:38 pm
Mike
I look like The Grinch.

9/18/20, 11:06 pm
Allan
How on earth do you make these pictures???!!!!

Mike
I take a.picture. I have a few apps on my phone 
that I can use to edit the photo. I can turn a photo 
into a cartoon, then manipulate it with a couple of 
other apps. Like distorting the image, add color 
effects, make text balloons. Its easy and fun.

9/24/20, 7:34 pm
Allan
Sigh. A phone?????

9/24/20, 7:34 pm
Allan
https://www.facebook.com/janwouterstam/
videos/2226754834115814

Best drum fill and timing ever!
Jan Wouter

9/25/20, 10:41 pm
Allan
This is so weird - I know this is a family photo - 
but I can't remember who it is exactly. Can you?


9/27/20, 5:27 pm
Allan
I guess you're losing your memory.

9/27/20, 5:45 pm
Mike
Yea I can't place her. Is it Aunt Inez?

9/27/20, 6:03 pm
Allan
You don't recognize her? It was Dad's 
girlfriend during World War II


Mike
That's awesome Allan.

10/2/20, 5:30 pm
Mike
Trump is going to Walter Reed Medical Center

Allan
Send him some flowers, before he entirely 
loses his sense of smell.

Mike
A helicopter is ready to medivac him. 
It sounds serious.

Allan
He's just trying to avoid the next 
debates and make headlines, I think.

Mike
Playing the sympathy card.

Allan


Mike
I hope Trump is not that conniving. 
But it's not outside the realm of possibilities

10/2/20, 7:59 pm
Allan


10/3/20, 5:05 pm
Allan
More fake news: 

http://artarchives.net/nytimes/coronavirus/
mccollum-coronavirus-risks.html

76 and Overweight, McCollum Faces Extra 
Risks From a Very Sneaky Virus - 
The New York Times

Mike
Allan, I'm sad to say you have finally gone over the edge.

Allan
Thank you.

Allan

Over The Edge Canvas Prints | Fine Art America
fineartamerica.com

Mike


10/3/20, 6:11 pm
Allan


10/3/20, 6:31 pm
Allan


Mike
After you expressed your idea that its a sympathy 
stunt, others are wondering the same thing. How can 
we trust anything that comes out of the White House?

10/3/20, 7:44 pm
Allan
I trust you on this question.

10/4/20, 5:14 am
Allan
Hey Mike - does Tom Seeks have an email address?

10/4/20, 10:21 am
Mike
Yes. 
bluesstringer55@hotmail.com

10/4/20, 6:29 pm
Allan
Thanks

10/6/20, 9:44 am
Allan

a.153379989752567/153396976417535/?type=3
Family-Love-Home 640

10/6/20, 12:46 pm
Mike
How do you find this stuff?

10/6/20, 10:51 pm
Allan
I have no clue. It found ME on Facebook.

10/8/20, 3:43 pm
Allan
See? The whole scam was to get himself out of the debates! 

https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/
520192-biden-campaign-calls-for-town-
hall-to-be-moved-after-trump-rules-out

Biden campaign calls for town hall to be 
moved after Trump rules out virtual debate
thehill.com

10/14/20, 12:22 pm
You forwarded a video

https://www.facebook.com/messenger_media/?
thread_id=782299467&attachment_id=
649903599233477&message_id=mid.%24
cAAAAAAhjheN7WTDGBF1J-t9bvAe8


10/16/20, 4:54 pm
Mike
There are trading cards for pro baseball
and for football, but why are there none for 
the Indianapolis 500 or the Daytona 500? 
Nobody wants to play the race card.


10/16/20, 5:32 pm
Allan
You are such a card.

Mike
Yes I am.

10/18/20, 12:31 pm
Mike
Hi Allan just reminding you that Chuck and I will start at 
11am today our time going through mom's stuff and we 
will be sending you emails with photographs if we think 
you might want something.

10/18/20, 1:41 pm
Allan
Yep - I'm here, ready . . .

Mike McCollum sent you an invite to join Messenger.


10/20/20, 11:42 pm
Mike

Perfect Vehicles on the wall.

11/3/20, 6:22 pm
Mike
I sure hope we don't have the same
conversation we had 4 years ago on this day.

11/6/20, 3:56 pm
Mike
It's looking good. But its not over until it's over.

11/6/20, 7:27 pm
Allan
I'm too old to remember anything
that happened four years ago.

Mike
No you're not.

11/7/20, 11:39 am
Mike
It's a beautiful, new day!

11/7/20, 4:23 pm
Mike
We won!!


Mike
It keeps getting better as I realize we'll never have to 
listen to the following after January 20: Melania Trump 
Jared Kushner. Kellyanne Conway. Kayleigh McEnany. 
Donald Trump, Jr., and that slut he's dating. Tiffany 
Trump Ivanka Trump. Mark Meadows. Eric Trump. 
Rudy Giullani. Sarah Huckabee Sanders. What a relief!

11/7/20, 9:38 pm
Allan
Hahaha - right!!

11/9/20, 12:29 pm
Mike


11/12/20, 3:03 pm
Mike
Hi Allan. How are you feeling? Is everything good? 
I'm good pretty much staying in almost all the time, 
except for market, walking and doctor appointments 
which are very few thankfully. I'll call you soon. 
I love you.

11/13/20, 8:30 am
Allan
Hi Mike, I'm OK - scared to see a dentist 
or a doctor! I've got to get over that. You are 
braver than I am! I love you.

11/19/20, 4:47 pm
Mike

What are Mitch McConnell's favorite sporting events: 
Turtle Races.

11/20/20, 7:01 pm
Allan
Burt oddly, the rabbits are winning.

11/20/20, 7:43 pm
Mike
But just by a hare.

11/22/20, 6:46 pm
Mike
Allan, can we make this agreement? We both 
agree that we will call each other before one 
of us ends up going into the hospital because 
of covid. It could be the last time we get to tell 
each other anything. I know that's really sad 
to think about, but that is a very sad reality 
that could happen. Once we are admitted, we 
might not get the chance.

11/22/20, 9:12 pm
Mike
I got a Netflix series for you. "The Queens Gambit." 
It is so good. I've only seen one episode so far and 
it's really good.

Allan
OK, yes, we should call each other right away 
if that happens. This thought makes me sad. 
I want to pretend nothing like this ever happens!

Allan
Oh! The Queens Gambit! I watched one episode 
a couple of weeks ago, and I was so entranced 
I stayed up all night until daylight and watched 
ALL the episodes!

Mike
I feel the same way. It won't happen to us if 
we are very careful, focused and pay attention 
to what we do. Love, Mike

11/22/20, 10:28 pm
Allan


11/23/20, 12:17 pm
Mike
I think I'm on episode 4 or 5 and it's so good
in so many ways.

11/23/20, 10:26 pm
Mike
Allan, do think the main actress in The Queen's 
Gambit looks sometimes like an alien? 
Those big eyes?

11/24/20, 12:02 pm
Allan
Actually, she looked too me to be a "twin" of one of 
my former assistants, Chloe English. Who now lives in L.A.


11/24/20, 1:06 pm
Mike
She does resemble Chloe. Chloe looks like a model.

11/29/20, 5:23 pm
Allan


Mike
I just made up a new word for a self-centered 
crybaby who won't wear a mask: "Narcisissy."

11/30/20, 8:34 pm
Allan


12/2/20, 4:02 pm
Allan
This review cracked me up at the end:


12/5/20, 6:31 pm
Mike
I heard several Trump supporters say that if Biden wins 
they're going to move to Panama. Bon vayage losers. 
And don't come back!

Mike


12/5/20, 6:49 pm
Mike
I read the review of "The Queen's Gambit." I didn't 
get what was funny at the end. But that's OK.

Allan
You're obviously to handsome to understand.

Allan
too

Mike
I can't disagree with that.

Mike
Are you familiar with Glenn Kirschner? A.30-year 
federal prosecutor. He has a daily YouTube video 
posts called "Justice Matters" where he brings his 
experience to talk about all that's going on with 
Trump and the election. I subscribed to him at
$5 a month. Take a look. He's good.

12/15/20, 11:48 am
Allan
This might help us get through the rough times . . .


12/15/20, 12:48 pm
Mike
Hiarious. I'm cracking up. I'll have to
forward this one. Thanks Allan.

12/18/20, 5:29 pm
Mike
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDQyU0MuLTM

ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE 
(Brenda Lee) 1958 Subtitulos en Espanol
youtube.com

12/18/20, 6:33 pm
Allan
This is SO strange, Mike
-- for the last 4 or 5 hours I've been thinking about and 
singing to myself Kris Kristofferson's song "Help Me Make 
it Through the Night," while picturing this video in my head! 
You must be psychic! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N5TiZle_Xs

Brenda Lee & Kris Kristofferson - 
Help Me Make It Through the Night
youtube.com

12/18/20, 7:17 pm
Mike
Wow!! So beautiful. I'd never seen that before. 
Thanks Allan. Yes maybe I'm clairvoyant.

12/18/20, 11:23 pm
Mike
There's been something I've been meaning to ask you. 
Every time I have ever gone to New York City the 
sidewalks always have scaffolding on them that you 
have to constantly be walking under and around. 
What's up with that? Can't they ever just finish the 
buildings there and stop working on them? 
Its very unattractive and annoying.

12/19/20, 1:40 pm
Allan
I'm so sorry Mike.
I'll call the mayor and see what we can do.

12/19/20, 2:00 pm
Mike
Would you? I knew you would understand.

12/19/20, 3:47 pm
Allan
It's even happened with the building I live in.

12/19/20, 4:20 pm
Mike
Have you ever walked around the City when you 
haven't seen scaffolding or construction somewhere?

Mike
Allan, in 1975 when Bev, Jeremy & I visited we really 
enjoyed an Italian street festival. Later on in one of 
those New York mob movies, one of the Italian 
characters said something like, "I hate that fuckin' 
festival." Probably a Scorsese movie. Pretty funny.

12/19/20, 5:44 pm
Allan
lol

12/20/20, 2:48 pm
Mike
Get it before it gets you Gracie!


12/20/20, 4:03 pm
Allan
LOL, cats are CRAZY! Thank God 
you didn't leave a cucumber around.

12/20/20, 4:20 pm
Mike
I don't get the cucumber joke. 
Went right over my head.

12/20/20, 4:56 pm
Mike
There's something creepy going on in my apartment. 
For 2 days now I have heard the sound of a smart 
phone when a message is received. But it's coming 
from the other side of the apartment and it's not my 
smart phone. I only have one. And I can't find what's 
making the sound. Something Evil This Way Comes.

12/20/20, 6:16 pm
Mike
Mystery solved. It was my Samsung Android 
Pad that I charged up a few days ago that was 
in the kitchen. I'm losing it.

12/20/20, 8:56 pm
Allan
So, it's only your cat that's losting it - whew!

Mike
Yes thank goodness I'm not losting it.

Allan
Are you serious about no getting the cucumber thing?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNycdfFEgBc

Cats scared of Cucumbers Compilation - 
Cats Vs Cucumbers - Funny Cats
youtube.com

Mike
Yes I was serious.

Mike
 Missed audio call
9:03 PM

Mike
I never heard of cats being scared of cucumbers. 
I just saw a YouTube compilation. It's weird. Maybe 
cats think they're snakes. Gracie might have a heart 
attack. She's already scared of anything new.

Mike
That's a mean trick scaring your little cats like that.


12/21/20, 11:53 am
Mike

Did you hear about the new weight loss program for 
women who have both female and male sexual 
chacteristics? It's called Her Maphrodiet.

12/21/20, 2:41 pm
Allan
Oh. My. God

Mike
That was a good one I must admit.

12/22/20, 7:36 pm
Mike
Imagine an excited audience enjoying the Inaugeration. 
Then, out of nowhere the Trump contingency rushes 
the stage. Rudy grabs the mic and starts spewing his 
mindless B.S. Sidney Powell blind sides Jill Biden while 
Jared body slams Joe. Ivanka and Melania start violently 
fighting each other. Melania's hate for Ivanka had finally 
come to a head. Stephen Miller grabs the mic shouting
his Nazi racism. We hear warning shots! Then the Secret
 Service opens fire into the crowd & those on stage! 
Bodies and blood flying everywhere. It's the beginning 
of the end. May God help us all!

Allan
You'll get rich selling this script.

Mike
Oh yeah!!

Mike
Heavenly shades of night are falling. It's Twilight time.


12/22/20, 8:39 pm
Allan
Lucky you!

12/25/20, 12:35 am
Mike

I feel like I had a soul cleansing tonite. I watched a 
PG movie called, My Spy. Almost no murder, mayhem, 
blood or gore. It was a fun movie for a change.

12/25/20, 4:10 pm
Mike

Merry Christmas everyone! 2021 is going to be an 
awesome year. Blue skies up above. Everyone's in love.

12/25/20, 7:59 pm
Allan
Haha, Merry Christmas! I'm so alone, guess we all are. 
Elizabeth is with her son all week, I won't see her until 
next week. All I've done all day is update some of my 
webpages. I haven't even read my emails. And I keep 
reminding myself, "TGIF"! Love to you Mike


12/25/20, 8:19 pm
Mike
All I did was drive up to Chuck's house to exchange gifts. 
We stood apart with masks on for about 20 minutes. 
Then I drove back home. So, I got to do a little more 
than you. I think most of us in the country are lonesome 
this Christmas. Everything is different now. Love, Mike

12/26/20, 6:50 pm
Mike
What do retail stores having big discounts 
have in common with Robinson Crusoe?

Allan
Sale Rovers?

Mike
Black Fridays

Allan
Oh.

Mike
Did you know stores have annual 
sales called "Black Friday?

12/26/20, 9:38 pm
Allan
I wish you'd said "annual"!

Allan
Heavenly shades of night are falling 
It's twilight zone 
Out of the mist my death is calling 
'Tis twilight zone 

When purple colored aliens 
Mark the end of the day 
I hear you and fear the twilight zone 

Deepening shadows kill the splendor 
As life is done 
Fingers of night will soon surrender 
The failing sun 

I count the scary moments 
'Til you're here with me 
Together in death in twilight zone 

Here in the afterglow of life 
We keep our rendez-vous that's so untrue 
Here in the scary same old way 
I fear my life again as I did then 

Deep in the dark, your face will scare me 
Like days of old 
Lighting the spark of fear that fills me 
Nightmares untold 

Each day I pray for evening just 
To do away with you 
Together in death in twilight zone 

Here in the afterglow of day 
We keep our rendez-vous beneath the blue 
Here in the scary same old way 
I fear or life again as I did then 

Deep in the dark, your face will scare me 
Like days of old 
Lighting the spark of fear that fills me 
Nightmares untold 

Each day I pray for evening just 
To do away with you 
Together in death in twilight zone 
Together in death in twilight zone

12/26/20, 10:33 pm
Mike
Too funny Allan. Did you make that up?

12/27/20, 4:59 pm
Mike
You and Chuck aren't the only artists in the family. 
Check out my newest photo, framed.


12/27/20, 9:09 pm
Allan
A framed photograph I found for you - 
shivering frame with sapphire hue . . .

Mike
That made me feel really good Allan. Thank you.


12/30/20, 12:55 pm
Mike


12/31/20, 7:20 pm
Mike



12/31/20, 9:15 pm
Mike

Oh no. It's horrible! My cat, Treatie, turned green!

. . . .